Throughout my experience of mental health illness I have received little or no help or support, from my now ex-employer (I was recently dismissed because of my illness!), from the government, or from society. I have had a very small bunch of amazing friends but some people just turned away and have shown their true colours. I have struggled and fought and found everything profoundly hard and overwhelming to navigate. I haven’t found or had access to services and so many services are oversubscribed because of the volume of people experiencing mental health challenges.
I’ve felt abandoned and left to it – shunned, isolated and ostracised. Once a month, I have a 10 minute catch up chat with my GP and that’s been the sole amount of help I’ve received for someone who’s experienced insomnia, full body chronic pain, chronic exhaustion, anxiety including social anxiety, severe depression and last but not least, feeling suicidal. I’ve been stuck in my bed or my room for long periods with the illness and felt incredibly socially isolated.
I haven’t have money to pay for the recovery that I felt would support me best. I am not interested in medication, I tried it and felt suicidal on it! I am interested in a holistic approach but a holistic path costs money and right now, it’s just not accessible. I would Love to have homeopathic remedies, flower essences, fresh juices, body work massage, aromatherapy, reflexology, reiki, on and on and on.
What I have used has been Massive amounts of rest, lots of quiet and solitude, nature in huge amounts, daily meditation, photography and creativity as an art therapy (including my two exhibitions this summer), journaling/ writing and blogging and my passion for sound work particularly using my Shamanic frame drum.
EVENTUALLY, my depression scores reduced to a level where I qualified for a scheme through my GP called Healthy Active Minds. This would give me access to the council Leisure Center’s classes and facilities. Now I’m not a Gym Woman…. AT ALL, never have been!!!! The thought of the word made me retch and screw my face up! However, Something in me Knew the benefits of exercise for Mental Health. I had been trying to walk in nature every day that I wasn’t stuck in bed with chronic pain or social anxiety. So I decided to give it a Try…..
I had a feeling aqua fit would help me as the water might help my profoundly sore body. The Minute I got into the pool I Knew I’d found something that felt incredibly Perfect for where I was at. That first day in the pool I felt So Excited, So Happy and I smiled through the whole class! I’ve been going to at least 3 classes a week and it’s Superb to help my chronic pain as I feel really supported in the water. Sure, some of the music is not my taste, sure I am sometimes the youngest by 20 years but I don’t care, it’s So incredibly helpful for my recovery.
I also realised that I LOVE Yoga. However, I have felt completely “Body Shamed” in too many classes in town with “instagramesque” flexible skinny bodies that are not the same as mine. I decided to try Chair Yoga as I have been So incredibly sore and I have been out of condition and don’t have lots of strength or flexibility to do some of the more advanced classes. The first day in that class, I felt So emotional… I Didn’t feel body shamed at all and I felt shocked! I Loved the instructor, I Loved everything about the class and I Smiled all the way home!
I have tried a few different classes to see what they are like but some have been outwith my capacity just now, I loved the idea of a particular dance class but I’ve had a bit of brain fog with my illness and it was too fast and too much going on to keep up and I struggled to concentrate. I’ve found a couple of other classes that suit and I have been using the gym for a very short and simple session using just a few pieces and a few light weights.
The outcome of the Healthy Active Mind Programme SO FAR and it’s only been a Very short time, is that I am not feeling suicidal!!!! This is Absolutely Massive!!!!!
The programme was never about loosing weight or looking a certain way, for me, it was about staying alive and not wanting to die. From a woman who Hated the word Gym, I am choosing to go just about every day, if not twice a day. I am setting my alarm and getting up much earlier than I have been to get to class. I am not the “best” in class. I am not the fittest, or strongest or bendiest but I am Showing up even when it’s below zero outside, I’m still choosing to walk to the gym. The other day I chose the gym over having a nap when it was really freezing! I have Even giggled as I have wondered if I might retrain as an instructor somewhere down the line?! We’ll see!!!
I am writing this particular blog for a couple of reasons. One – I am Profoundly and Exceptionally in awe and amazement at myself – my strength and courage to face death and to choose life and to show up and put the effort in. I am Crazy Proud and Celebrate the Massive Achievements so far.
But Also to write how IMPORTANT this programme is. Edinburgh Council are proposing a budget cut to Edinburgh Leisure and programmes like this MUST be protected Even if it’s for ONE person like me to SAVE A LIFE. Every life is Precious, Every life is Sacred. This is Way Beyond Budget considerations, this is Life Saving.
Right now, there is a consultation by the Council (Until 19th December 2017) Leisure facilities Must be protected for the Many benefits of exercise but Particularly for my interests right now for Any people suffering from Mental Health illness.
The link is https://consultationhub.edinburgh.gov.uk/ce/2018-19-council-budget-engagement/
(Image was taken at Portebello Beach today and the calmness of the water reflected how I felt.)