The healing journey
My immediate intuitive reaction when life exploded was to pick up my drum. Just to have it near, just to be with this physical object. The minute I made the drum I knew it was a powerful Medicine Wheel and without needing to deeply understand the various aspects of what a Medicine Wheel even is, I just needed to touch it and connect with it and I had a deep knowing of the support of this tool.
The relationship with this object had been formed when I made it and it has strengthened every time I have used it and I am always incredibly grateful for it’s presence. I felt so appreciative and grateful that I had a couple of thanksgiving ceremonies for the drum.
Some of the symptoms I experienced were poor concentration, poor focus, foggy brain, disconnecting, disassociating from everything. I found it challenging sometimes to drum any consistent pattern and would notice just going of and making any sound, that randomness didn’t assist the symptoms that I was experiencing and reminded me to bring in the simplicity of a heart beat pattern which was 2 beats per second (this relates to 120 beats per minute). This was the rhythm that I needed the most. As soon as I started focusing on the simplicity and slowness I noticed my heart beat reducing again and slowing down from the anxiety experience. This helped me connect to my own body as my breath was often very shallow and allowed me to remember to breathe more deeply and to allow the oxygen into the body.
“Drum sound rises on the air, its throb, my heart.
A voice inside the beat says, "I know you're tired, but come. This is the way.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi
The drum helped to ground me when there felt like no ground and I was spinning in the storms and chaos. Every time I used the drum or held it or connected to it, it helped me to connect with the heartbeat of the earth and helped me feel my feet on the earth. It helped enhance my connection and relationship with Pachamama/ Gaia/ Mother Earth. That connection and experience helped me to feel safe when I really didn’t feel safe at all and was craving that experience.
“When the drumbeat of your heart synchronises with the drumbeat of the earth, then life changes.” Emaho
I found the times of panic would often be during the night and I was unable to drum then for fear of disturbing other people. I found solace by touching the skin and the very gentle oceanic sound that the stroking of the skin produced. This sound was the most soothing sound, simplistic tone and the volume that I needed. It might have been in very quiet but it was still incredibly powerful, there is great power in softness and quiet vibrations.
Shadow
The medicine of the drum not only provided comfort but it allowed me to journey more deeply than I had ever done before to face the place of very dark shadows. I journeyed to a place of fears and traumas and I felt safe and very ready to go to that place with the support of the drum. The drum helped me to be very present with the experience of grief and the depth of sadness from my personal circumstances and allowed me to release even more healing tears.
The experience of depression included feeling worthless and pointless and completely useless. The depth kept opening and I was curious what was beneath it all. The core fear that I sat with was suicide. I was terrified at just the Thought of suicide and also insanity. I was incredibly shocked when those words emerged during a drum journey. These words may have been residing at a deep level in my consciousness somewhere or just part of the collective consciousness but as they moved into the more conscious aspect as they were releasing, they had an impact on my nervous system.
The journeying with the drum allowed me to be present with these experiences in what felt a very safe way, at no point did I find any of the shadow aspects too much or too overwhelming. By noticing those primordial deep fears and voicing them and allowing them, their charge lessened completely and didn’t need to be gripped onto within my body. The drum helped me to integrate and embrace the vibration and energy of the words and experiences into my being so nothing is excluded and absolutely everything is allowed. There was an experience of nothing being good or bad just noticing. I currently don’t feel fear around the shadow aspects as a result of the drum work.
Silence
Part of the contrast to sound is silence. For me, this is a Very important part of my life. It is the context for everything else. Sound emerges out of the silence. I have a daily meditation practice and I used it throughout this period along with the sound. The meditation practice that I follow does not create an empty mind but helps with the relationship to the thoughts so as a lot of the shadow aspects were emerging it helped me allow these and allow the energy to be and to move.
Impact of drumming sessions
Most of the drumming experience was never to fix or change anything at all. It wasn’t to get to an outcome or a goal. It was to facilitate the allowing of what is without pushing anything away and trying to make it look different. It was to help me sit with and witness everything without turning away. The pain that can be felt is the pain that can be healed. The pain very much came from resisting and trying to control life and my thoughts and experiences rather than just going with the flow of life. The drumming patterns helped to break down the resistance and therefore the experience of discomfort on any level.
My experience was a softening of the symptoms, it didn’t take everything away but it gave me something else to focus on, which is the same as any meditation practice. During and after drumming I have experienced a lessening in the physical shakiness in my body and a reduction in my heart rate. I have noticed less attention on the discomfort in my body, less awareness of pain. I have noticed less anxiety and fear and actually a steadiness and comfort in a security and safety that the drum has facilitated.
The drum took me to a different place and out of my mind. It gave me glimpses and a taste of freedom from the mind, the emotions and the body and that was enough to give me a sense of hope and optimism to keep going throughout everything that showed up.
The drum helped to remind me who I am that I am not the symptoms, that I do not need to attach to the labels. It helped me connect to creativity and express myself and connect with feelings and experiences that had been trapped in the body and hidden. It helped me move energy through movement and also writing.
Outcome
I wouldn’t say I am out the other side of this experience, but I do firmly believe that using the frame drum has been a helpful and valuable tool during the journey and will continue to be so. I have experienced relief through sound and that has been incredibly welcome. The drum has been an important anchor and kept me grounded amongst the storms and I have known throughout that I am ok.
I have experienced lessening of symptoms of panic, anxiety, tension in my body, pain in my body, low mood, terror, worry and general levels of chronic stress.
“Pain is possible
Suffering is optional
Peace or pain is a choice”
Maharishi Krishnanda Ishaya
Conclusion
I was always more curious about using sound to deepen my own self-understanding, to learn more about who I am and through this to take that into any work that I might do in the future. Life is not only about the joy and happiness, it’s about the full entire rainbow and the support of the drum is helping me to integrate absolutely everything and allow every shades of that rainbow.
Everyone is different and many people do not want to talk about taboo subjects such as mental health. For me, it is Incredibly important to talk about everything and to break down barriers and stigma and to end shame about mental health conditions. Most people at some point in their lives will probably go through some degree of mental health situation, and yet there is still stigma.
It might or might not be through working with sound but my own journey through mental health recovery is very much giving me the desire to help and support other people and to be an advocate and a voice for ending fear and shame and stigma.
It is very much in the giving that the medicine comes alive, it is never designed or intended to be kept private at an individual level. Sound is a very accessible modality for such a wide range of people and situations. The breadth of places and groups that it could be offered to is very large. I have a strong desire to offer sound in the community But…. Slowly, there is absolutely no rush.
The path is always an unfolding mysterious surprise - if it was all figured out and understood and straight and we knew all the answers it would be terribly boring! In all that uncertainty there is the always the rhythmic drumbeat of the instrument, of the heart and of the earth.