I want to share my personal adventure with Anti-Depressant conventional medication. This feels like Such an Important piece for me to write. I feel VERY passionate about this issue.
I had probably been depressed for Decades, I was high functioning, holding down a job, appearing to have a rich and full life but I was So Crazy Low with unhappy, unfulfilling relationships, unhappy job…. I was riddled with Chronic Pain Most of the time and I didn’t talk about it or tell Anyone. Physical, emotional, spiritual, mental – All of it was pain. I managed the pain by being busy and distracted and Looking happy and just accepting it as part of life and making do.
Eventually life circumstances and situations led me to sitting in the chair in the doctors surgery, sharing Some of what was moving for me. I Honour our GP’s and health professionals but they are LIMITED- limited in their training, knowledge and more importantly limited in how they can help and aid healing. In the few minutes we have in that space, you will Tend to see doctors reach for the prescription pad to write out a script of chemical cocktails from Big Pharma.
What I that’s Not what I need, not what I’ve Ever needed?
What if I passionately want to be Seen and Heard and Witnessed and for someone to Simply Listen to me speak my Truth?! What if I needed Empathy and Compassion? What if I need someone to pass me a tissue and hold my hand or put their hand on my shoulder? What if I desperately and wildly need a cuddle? It’s Usually THAT simple and yet, the easiest way to get me out of the doctors room to allow the next person in for their precious few minutes is to Prescribe something.
I resisted for months, each time, they said the word Anti-Depressants I Rebelled, I kicked back, I made it CLEAR that I was Full of Rage and Anger and wanted to Speak and I had a Knowing in my Soul that this medication wasn’t the path for me. My parents were Desperate for me to be medicated. That’s Their path, that’s Their understanding of life – something is wrong with you… you go to the doctor…. The doctor gives you tablets… the symptoms get better… you move on…. I have a Different way – I am not interested in sticking plasters for symptoms, I am interested in diving to the CORE of what’s going on and addressing That and that path is often longer and more arduous and non linear.
However, after a period, it got to a place where all my resilience was all used up and I was about ready to try Anything. The doctor said she would put me on a really low dose of Anti-depressants for a few weeks and I shouldn’t have any side effects or anything to worry about!!! She said it might help alleviate the pain. She was sweet and smiley and I liked her.
I took the slip and went to the pharmacist and was handed a white box with white tablets. (There was no information in the box about the tablets, none of the Usual material about abundant side effects…) There was no support mechanism put in place. It was for a few weeks and I was to go back to the doctor after that. I foolishly thought – I can manage a few weeks, sure, let’s see what happens…… My skeptical, analytical, questioning rationality went out the window and I didn't google the medication to learn for myself about what might be in store.
What happened, was what my body had been telling me, warning me, screaming at me…..
From the first tablet, I Knew it was not right for me. I started taking them when I had no support around me, my parents were on a cruise and I had no close friends checking in, I Thought I’d be Fine! I took them because I'd been Told to and I wasn't listening to my inner wisdom.
I started to feel numb, more and more numb until I felt DEAD inside!
I felt like a zombie, I actually felt NOTHING, so yes it did cancel out the physical pain symptoms, that worked! My inner GPS is my Womb, my womb is exceptionally Powerful and keeps me Right and is my Intuition. I couldn’t feel my womb at all, it was like it was missing, removed, like I never had it. I felt lost without my connection to my womb, my life force, my guiding direction, my inner fire. I felt my life was therefore completely pointless. I felt zero sexual energy– this energy burns and enlivens my life and without it, I felt Dead. I felt groundless, lost in an endless fog, I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't remember things clearly. I felt zero creativity – I had zero desire to create Anything, I felt Dead. I couldn’t feel my bowels at all and was completely constipated and full of shit. My heart was missing, I could have sworn that it too had been removed and the space was empty. My voice was removed, and I had nothing to say and no thoughts on anything. I had no desire to eat anything or to move, I could barely function through the day and didn’t leave the house. I couldn’t sleep and had raging insomnia. I had zero access to the spiritual realms, no access to Any of my Abundant Angels or spirit guides, they had All been removed, every single one of them. I’d Never in my life felt so Alone. Everything was stripped from me until there was literally Nothing left.
Each chakra had been painted grey and the wheels had just about stopped turning all together. I looked in the mirror and saw the outer layer of skin but it was millimeters thin and all the rest of the inside felt Dead and Lifeless.
Within Days of taking the medication, I started to lie on the sofa and fantasise about dying. I didn’t Want to live. There was Nothing at that point to live For. I was dead inside anyway so I may as well keep going and leave the Earth. I didn’t call anyone with these thoughts, I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t reach out and ask for help. I just lay on the sofa in a half comatose state dreaming of dying and ending this pointless experience.
So Why didn’t I do it? Why did I Stay? What was it that kept me going? What did I Live?
Because Somewhere in me was a place protected from the power of the medication. A place SO much more Powerful than Any medication. A place that will fight for me no matter what! A place that Always has my back! A place within me with a Golden Power and Radiance and Wild Endless Love.
It was THAT part of me that SCREAMED with All it’s Worth and ability to STOP taking the medication. Stop IMMEDIATELY. Through the fog, through the grey zombie state, I Eventually Heard the call. I Stopped.
I went back to my GP and told her that I wasn’t prepared to be so ill on conventional medication, I had felt suicidal on the tablets and I didn’t Want to die, I wanted to LIVE. I Didn’t want to “try” Any other medication as I didn’t trust Any of it. Luckily, She Heard my Scream and I’ve never taken Anti-Depressants again.
Recently, I went to another doctor and spoke about the experience of Fibromyalgia and chronic pain and the wild challenges when it’s present in my body. He wrote me a script for Anti-Depressants to manage the pain. I Laughed! I would rather have Full body Pain and FEEL my body, Feel my life, Feel everything that’s moving than Risk being a walking Zombie Ever again!
I’m Living Human Being, Don’t medicate me into Oblivion. No thank you Big Pharma!