Why did I travel about 500 miles from Edinburgh to East Sussex carrying a stone from the earth? (It wasn’t Just to sing the Proclaimers song ‘I’m gonna be”!)
It was All about Unity. Four years ago my dear Brother from Colombia, Anthar Kharana and other sweet friends planted a sacred Female Labyrinth in the hills of the Scottish Borders. I have been there through this journey that has been exceptionally powerful and beautiful (Even with the wind and the rain and the midges…) At the beginning, I didn’t even understand the true teaching of a labyrinth or why I was actually there that first night. And then I walked Her! Her medicine immediately went into my heart, my womb and my soul as a Direct Transmission. It was Never an education of reading from a book or attending a workshop… it was pure Experience. That’s how I learn, I am interested in what it means to me, what the learning is for me. The minute I entered that first night, I came home. Each step took me closer to the center of the womb. I was Surprised at the amount of information that came to me from the Grandmother Stones, they were chatting with me all the way. They Knew I could hear them and I did! That First night I Felt the Labyrinth in Colombia and KNEW I’d be there at some point. Four years later, I walked the Female Labyrinth and the Sacred Masculine Spiral in Colombia and I Knew why it had called me and why I was there. This Summer Solstice, it was time to revisit and revise the prayers. We will continue to tend and take care of this site in Scotland and visit it and offer ceremony and now the journey takes the next step. The next labyrinth asked to be born, one in England. It is time to Unite the two beautiful lands. It has been two years since the Scottish vote on Independence and time to heal, time to unite, time to come together in our lands and for that to spread. I was brought up by my father and my grandfather to Hate the English. There was many wounds in my ancestor lineage of things that had happened such as the Highland Clearances. Time for all of it to be cleansed and healed. (I remember my grandfather was not best pleased when I married a Geordie from near Morpeth!) So now, I’ve seen all that. I’ve sat with it and I’ve made peace. I hate No one, full stop. I have Only LOVE. Time for me to make my sacred pilgrimage south and tell my Brothers and Sisters down there that we are one family and that I Love them. This Pilgrimage was not straightforward. I’d been experiencing Many physical symptoms of DeepRest and to travel any distance was no easy task, I’d been experiencing panic attacks, social anxiety and exhaustion amongst other things and Still I Knew I Had to go. I Had to be the one to bring a stone from the Scottish Labyrinth down to start the birth of new spiral. (The stone was collected at a ceremony with three of my dear sisters and it was So obvious which stone it was as it was literally glowing and shining brightly! She Even had a Smile on Her!) I got on the train in Edinburgh and connected with a Beautiful soul who I shared my adventure with. From London I traveled through rush hour on the tube and down escalators that scare me. Another train and Taxi and I arrived in Forrest Row in the dark in the rain. There was a minor hiccup and there was no one at the house I went to, so after an hour listening to the sound journey of the rain, a Beautiful Colombian woman collected me and took me to her home for a sweet night of rest. This is the way. Before we enter the female labyrinth, we might encounter the masculine maze and get lost and confused and scared and unsure with dead ends and having to back up and retrace steps. It’s all part of it. Even collecting the stones for the labyrinth was not easy. We went to multiple sites that we thought may have had stones and I kept scanning the paths and the forests and there wasn’t a single stone, I couldn’t believe it, not one! The rivers were not accessible or not great quality so we couldn’t get them there. Time after time, challenges. And Still we kept going. Our determination paid off and an abundance of stones were collected from several sites. We even had stones that had been brought from the beach on the south coast, that went around the two water bowls- these stones had an abundance of heart shapes and were beautiful. The site itself was Very Magical. It was in the land of a dear new Sister (and yes it is open to the public). The Labyrinth itself is guarded by a cherry blossom tree and a birch tree. The most Adorable Medicine cat, made sure we were doing everything ok and supervised everything and came for cuddles during ceremony. The first night we planted the stone from Scotland. Everyone that held Her remarked how soft She was. Yes, this is the medicine of the soft lands of the borders. This night was Exceptionally special for me as it was my “birthday”. Not the birthday of this ‘body suit’ but my Nahual birthday. This is the calendar of the human, the calendar of 260 days. This day was Waxaquib Toj, Ocho Guacamaya, Number 8 Macaw. This is who I am. This is why I HAD to be there. It was my best ever birthday and the best ever birthday party with 4 candles for the 4 directions. There were blessings and songs and hugs and joy and love and sweetness and my soul flew exceptionally HIGH as it thanked and let go of Everything in the last cycle of 260 days and welcomed the new. The second morning we planted the medicine wheel and under each stone we placed a beautiful crystal. We continued to prepare the site and gather stones and in the evening we placed all the stones in the labyrinth. The medicine of Coyote (the trickster) had been with us all day and eventually he grew tired and we got the work done in the dark. My brother walked the labyrinth and planted the center stone and it was complete. That meant the last day we had time not to rush but to make sure little details were done and made the site beautiful with flowers and candles to welcome in more people for the ceremony later on. The flowers Even included a little heather so I Loved that touch. It was the day of the Monkey which brought Joy and an abundance of amazing monkey hugs. The ceremony took place on the Autumn Equinox. A time of balance, of unity. Of the seasons, of the internal, of the masculine and feminine, of our two lands. Deep healing of Scotland and England and the old stories and wounds. But Also and Importantly, there were two sisters, one from Poland and one from Germany and there was Deep healing with the history of those lands. And Also with my Latin American Brothers and Sisters, there was much healing of their history. Ceremony usually lasts a while and finishes around dawn but it was so very sweet to have a calm, clear night with no wind or rain. I was So grateful. The stars were Abundant and the moon shone. Even the owls kept joining in with their songs. After many hours it was time to take our shoes off and walk this new labyrinth. I was the first to enter Her. I Immediately felt Exceptional LOVE. Profound LOVE. I KNEW Her. As you walk in, it is an opportunity to revise your life and what you are letting go of. I kept hearing that I’d done so very well, I’d Done my work over the last few months, there was Nothing more to let go of at this point, I had worked hard and my prayers had All been heard. The stones sang and their vibration was incredible LOVE, I was moved very Deeply. Returning outwards I received such sweet blessings. I felt MORE Love as I hugged Each person I met walking in. THIS is my Favourite part, THIS is why I walk Labyrinths – for the Hugs! We enter sometimes as strangers and after Proper hugs we emerge as Family. The Core group of 7 who planted this site are very much my family and I love them Completely and Always. I feel liberated, I feel reborn, I feel re-energised, I feel healed. I have given my pagamento (payment), and I have received exceptional Abundance and I am touched, moved and humbled. I might not be able to journey to every ceremony at this new Labyrinth but I will visit when I can and I Know I am always welcome. When I sit at the Scottish Labyrinth I will feel the connection and I will pray for this expanding family. I have a stone from England that I am taking to plant in the Scottish Labyrinth to weave our hearts and our lands deeper. And then in another four years, (God/ Goddess willing) I will be there in Wales to help birth the next Labyrinth and then four years later I will be there in Ireland to lend my support once more. Four Labyrinths, Four Directions, UNITY. Aho I Choose me, over and over and over.
I Choose me even when I forget – Just like the rhythm of the waves, I return and I remember and I choose ME again, I come home to me. I am ENOUGH, just as I am, Flawed and Fabulous and All of it. Yesterday I sat once more with the sacred Grandfather Fire. This is my home, the powerful simplicity of sitting with sacred ceremonial Fire. It helps me release and let go of all that no longer serves. This experience for me was Very much about the masculine and my relationship with that energy. It Struck me once more of how I’d always Yearned for love and approval from external sources and how sad and disappointed I’d felt when this desire wasn’t met over and over and over in different ways. How I'd had expectations and they weren't met. I saw how I would always scramble about on the floor looking for Any scraps or crumbs of love, feeling so hungry and being grateful for any tiny morsels, however small. Although I haven’t been in a physically abusive situation I’ve been in Countless mentally or emotionally abusive situations. Time to say NO MORE. I will NOT Tolerate ABUSE any longer. From ANY Source. I’ve been bullied and abused for at least 23 years and I believed the external references so I started to bully myself and say the MOST Vile things to myself that I would NEVER say to another soul. I’ve been on a journey over the past few years to come HOME to myself, to fall deeply in Love with Myself, all the exiled parts, all the imperfect parts, all the flaws, all the shadow stuff, all the wild, all the vulnerable and tender, fierce and fabulous. Integrating Everything, including this harsh, unkind aspect that was bullying myself. I No longer choose to bully Myself and any time old patterns of language crop up, I do my best to catch them and watch it and make a different choice. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Now I cry but they are tears of such soft sweetness as my Own heart Embraces me the way I’ve Always wanted with such Burning Love. Sure I’ve Always wanted this external manifestation of Love from a masculine partner but that has not been my experience to this point. I had to be overlooked, ignored, suppressed, denied, ridiculed, mocked, put down, not chosen, constantly rejected, not desired, not wanted, walked away from……… so Each part would crack my heart open WIDER. All of it, ALL of it, was a gift. I manifested the LOT. Now I choose to consciously manifest a different way, a different life. I have been released from the last relationship and after a few months of diving exceptionally deep with symptoms of grief and depression that took me to a place where I sat with the word “suicide”, I now breathe a sigh of relief. For the past 10 years I was pretty much in a sexless relationship. This taught me that while sex is Really important to me, that it’s not the Only factor in a relationship. I compromised, a LOT, on So many things. I chose ‘safety’ and companionship. But still, there were 10 years of tears and rejection and I took it All on me, thinking I was not enough, not this enough, not that enough, thinking I was all sorts of very horrible things and that I didn’t deserve happiness and I’d never share sweet intimacy with someone as that was for everyone else and I wasn’t allowed that pleasure in my life. It broke my heart Completely. I feel relieved that he finished with me (Cowardly, over the phone!) and I don’t have to face the depth of daily rejection any more. He said I was “too spiritual”, my ex husband said I loved “too much”… I’m not too ANYTHING. I Don’t need to Change for ANYONE. I am Enough, MORE than enough. I am an Incredible soul with a Depth of Love that would fry Many a being with the intensity of Pure Fire. I Don’t NEED Anyone now, Whatsoever! That doesn’t mean I don’t Want Someone, that’s Very different. I am Clear on what I want and what I won’t tolerate, what my boundaries are, what my no is. But First, and ALWAYS. I choose me. I fall in love with ME – Deeply and Passionately, Every part, Every aspect. Nothing excluded, nothing needing fixed or changed as I am not broken, never was. I previously picked men who would enable lifetimes worth of growth through tears and pain and NOW I Choose ME. Tayrona National Park in Colombia is like they say, it is like Paradise.
There are Jungles and some of the Best beaches in the world but to me it was More than that, Way More. It is Very sacred land. I was entering tribal territory, I could feel Who this belonged to and each footstep felt like such an honour to be allowed there. Many people Don’t understand that aspect at all and think it’s just a holiday destination. The unconscious behaviour of many travellers got to a point that the Elders decided enough was enough and the park was closed for a while at the end of 2015. I was on retreat but you could tell what was going on with some people now it had reopened, people Still didn’t get it. I had to Keep coming back to the Four Agreements and practice not making assumptions and not taking it personally and coming back to my journey. To get to our accommodation, we had trekked a few hours through the jungle. It was utterly Sublime. I wanted to Stop and connect with Every tree and Massive rock and dive Deeper and Deeper with each step. Everything was alive and the earth was humming and really speaking with me. It was very humid and warm and I was grateful that in the middle of Nowhere there was a man selling cool ice lollies – the best thing ever! It was at that point we started hearing the ocean roaring. The jungle goes right to the shore and merges with mangroves and that mixture is incredible. The path Kept changing all the way and I saw metaphors and teachings and medicine Everywhere. Eventually we arrived at our accommodation but our bags had not, they had been loaded on horses and they ended up at another place. My brother had his own amazing and incredibly Wild and inspiring journey to go after them and bring them back. The reason we were staying at this particular place was to travel to Pueblito in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada of Santa Marta (It is the highest coastal mountain in the world.) I had been working Hard on this retreat and was Exhausted at all we had done so far. I was bitten and scraped and cut and bruised and emotionally wrung out, now there was the prospect of a Very Challenging and Very difficult Climb up a very sacred mountain! When they started talking about it I was trying to gear myself up and work out how it could be done and get my attitude sorted. Then I heard the word ‘horses’! For Some reason, I thought this might be a more easy path, maybe taking 30-40 minutes, a nice quiet ride through the jungle and then I could meet the rest of my friends at the top?! I thought it would be the way for me to ascend this particular mountain. I went to meet my horse. The first one I have Ever met with Blue Eyes, which confused me for a minute and I was blown away by him. I spoke with him and connected with him and we became a team. I had a Knowing that He was going to take care of me. I was Amazed that my sister came with me and her courage and tenacity really inspired me as she strapped her 1 year old baby to herself with whatever she could fashion (She even breastfed the baby as we climbed the mountain! Just Hats Off Wow!) And then off we went. It started fine and was through the low level paths. Then there was a palm tree clearing and the fallen leaves had obscured the path so for a little while we were lost, going round on circles trying to find the path, which we eventually did. My horse was in front. I didn’t expect that. I am not an experienced horse rider and I speak little Spanish so the guide kept shouting at me which way to go and my friend had to shout her translations. I couldn’t believe I was to lead on this horse that Just loved eating Everything it could find, no matter how I held the rains and spoke with him. We had a Lot of chats on the journey and there was a Lot about the Masculine. This horse was showing me an aspect of the Divine Masculine and how that shows up in my life to take care of me and support me and it was Beautiful and very moving. The path became steeper, Much stepper, Much Much Steeper. I had to lean forward and I could just look at the ground and hold on and keep repeating the mantra of Trust. I felt the horse be sure footed and pick his way over the entire terrain. I was pulled through trees, scrapped by branches, cut and had my earring ripped out my ear at one point by a tree! My feet were bashed against rocks and came to the stirrups many times so I tried my best to manage that. I couldn’t even thing to take a single picture but the place was Full of THE most Stunning butterflies and strange and wonderful insects and birds of All colours singing! At some points the path sloped downwards and then I Couldn’t look at it at all. I put my head up in the trees and Kept feeling the mantra of Trust. I felt we would all be safe and I felt ALL my guides and support around me. My Mayan Nahual is Toj, which is represented by the Macaw and I Felt that So strongly and felt that’s why I couldn’t walk up the mountain, I had to be off the ground and basically Fly! EVENTUALLY, after I don’t know 1.5 hours or more, we arrived at the sacred site of Pueblito. My friends were there waiting for us. And with SUCH Joy we all hugged. They had had Some adventures with their climb and my friend had a spectacular cut on her leg. Then I saw him…this Profoundly Beautiful soul. A Kogi Mama. If you Google the Kogi tribe you might notice that they Don’t tend to meet people and keep to themselves so this was am honour beyond my comprehension. My brother invited me over and introduced me and I shook his hand with Such Joy. Now I have been Deeply blessed to have sat in Satsangs with Many Enlightened souls and have sat twice listening to His Holiness the Dalai Lama and we had Already sat with 2 Incredible Elders from the Muisca Tribe that had really humbled me and affected me on this trip BUT…….. That man looked at me and the Transmission in 1 heartbeat was more than I could Ever Ever say in words, He knew Everything and Gave me So much. I Smiled at him from the depths of my soul and He Smiled Back. My heart nearly exploded to be seen with such Totality and understanding! He gave us his time and his wisdom generously and was interested to hear from us as he sat with his Poporo. To speak with this Wise Man was Exceptional. We put all our hand made drums and the makings of our shakers and feather wands before him and he noticed everything. He gave us Blessings and tied white threads around our wrists which meant So very much to me. I am So earth shatteringly humbled to have shared space with this Wise Soul and just to sit with him for a while and be with him. It was the Highlight of my life to this point and his medicine touched the depths of me. I will Never forget him. Holding my newly birthed drum in my left hand and the beater in my right, the feminine and masculine met for the first time and my body shivered at the powerful energy created… I already had a shamanic drum in my musical instrument collection, it is 20 inches wide and has a rich, deep resonant tone but it has an artificial skin and it never felt a part of me, no matter how much I loved it and enjoyed using it in sacred work and at fire ceremonies. Part of the call to travel to Colombia to take part in a sound retreat (www.tribalsoundhealingretreat.com) was to make my own drum. It was created early in the retreat so it could then be taken to many sacred sites and many ceremonies including being presented to three Elders, one of which was from the Kogi tribe. (My drum went everywhere with me and even slid down a hillside at one point as I slipped down a slope and ripped my trousers and had a few scrapes - Such Gratitude to my sister for skipping after it and retrieving it for me and my brother for carrying it for me for a while while I found my center again.) I Knew it would take some work to complete this piece, some degree of payment through effort and sacrifice but it was much more of a journey than I could have realised. Now I have made it, it is part of me and I wouldn’t sell it for any price. It is no ornament and will be used regularly and enjoyed in many rituals and healings and ceremonial work. It was always going to be a long day so we started early, outside under the shade. It felt cool and comfortable to sit on the ground and I was ready for the process. I had already set my intentions and was very focused and grounded in the unfolding practice. Throughout the day I used my meditation techniques and the deepening into my practice took me to a new space as I connected with the physicality of birthing this sacred instrument. There is so very much spirit involved:- the spirit of the pine wood in the frame and the spirit of the mighty buffalo who gave it’s skin. The spirit of the leather in the beater, the spirit that I brought to the process (Instead of using animal material to string the drum, we used Kevlar, which is incredibly strong and very tough and durable). We were guided throughout by Suma Pinta (http://sumapinta.wix.com/sumapintatambores) and I very much appreciated his teaching and support. Each step took time and attention and care, even waxing the cord with beeswax to make sure it didn’t tangle took quiet focus. When I finished weaving my cord through the holes I noticed the roughness of the form and how much work was ahead. I noticed all the places the skin was folded upwards when it was supposed to be positioned downwards. Later Suma said my drum was ‘rebellious’ as some of the skin was still not obeying and was challenging to work with to create the valleys. I smiled as I saw myself clearly in this disobedient wild rebel and understood how my flavour was starting to be expressed. For what seemed forever, I pulled and pulled and pulled to tighten the cord and my fingers that had began strong and soon developed more and more discomfort and shortly thereafter the blisters started and only grew worse. I wrapped my fingers in tape but that did little use. I had help a couple of times but mainly this was my creation and I knew it would be a process of a LOT of patience and sitting there quietly until it was done with the tears flowing. The tears were not just for the physical challenge but for what this drum represented to me. The drum represents the feminine, the Goddess, the void, the womb. This drum is a tool to help heal my own womb as I have carried so very much pain and suffering. I also deeply feel my sisters and the pain of the feminine that has been carried a long time, through ancestral lines and lineages and past lives… So this drum was birthed as a healing tool for All my sisters. It is also to heal aspects of the masculine and any places in me where there is cellular memory where perhaps I have been in a masculine body before and cause any suffering towards the feminine. All the places I notice in the world where sisters still suffer under patriarchal regimes and beliefs. This sacred instrument is incredibly powerful and full of my intentions and prayers for myself and for others. Near the end I felt Such discomfort and pain. I couldn’t face pulling any more and couldn’t find any slack to pull. Suma checked my progress and I was finally finished, I was in shock as I was expecting him to give it back and say to do a little more! I sat with Suma and I cut the end of the cord like it was an umbilical cord and my baby was born. I was So very excited to hear everyone shouting with joy for me! He knotted the end of the cord 4 times for the 4 directions. The drum wasn’t finished and next we had to weave the handle inside. That was interesting to try and concentrate and count when my friend beside me kept counting out loud and loosing her place and asking for clarification or assistance. Again I was Very focused on what I was doing and knuckled down to the task. I loved the pattern of the weaving and how it came together, it gave me a lot of pleasure to make this part although it was still sore and difficult on my fingers. I noticed people coming and going and how they were chatting but I stayed with my process and deepened into the growing relationship between me and my drum. Near the end, my brother brought over his guitar and started playing songs and I heard my sister join in the singing. This was the support I needed to finish what I was doing. There were a few of my favourite songs in there and I appreciated this final support. When I had finished Suma tied a little of the cord around my left wrist as it signifies a lot to me and I could have this as a reminder to keep working with. I also asked him to tie a cord around my right wrist representing so much around the masculine and all I was working with. Suma gave me my masculine beater. It is the joining of the masculine and feminine that creates the sound, the union. The introduction of these two aspects to one another was very slow and beautiful, very soft, sensual, intimate, delicious and very powerful. Finally we stood together with our new drums and were drummed by Suma, which was very beautiful and just what I needed to close the day. What next. Well this drum has not been made to gather dust. Yes I made it to work on my own womb space, but it is also to share with others through sacred sound work. In a few weeks I will be starting a Certificate in Sound with Ansu School of Sound ( http://www.ansuschoolofsound.com) so I can take sound work out into the community. My healing work has Always been very heart centered and intuitive and you can’t teach that in any course or book but I have a knowing I will learn a lot in this course and will then share that wider. |
Archives
April 2021
|