These questions may bring up completely different experiences for each person. For example, I am completely comfortable and at ease with walking along the street and smiling at strangers and connecting from the heart and having chats with people I meet. For some people, that may fill them with utter terror and it would be way too much to even begin to contemplate.
There’s a quote that’s attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt that says something like ‘do one thing every day that scares you’. I find that if you stay in your comfort zone, you stagnate, and if you don’t grow, and basically you die!
I find it challenging sometimes to remember what a comfort zone is. Looking back, I seem to remember the edges and boundaries. It felt small and suffocating and not where I wanted to live. My comfort zone has been burned to the ground over and over and over. For example, in my career I have moved jobs a Lot (I started as a biological scientist and have done Many things since then). Once more I am in a brand new role going through another Massive, steep learning curve. It means I have Very many strings to my bow but each time it is another huge reset, starting from scratch and carving out my own path once more.
Anyway …The other week my comfort zone alarm bells were activated when I saw an opportunity to have a skiing lesson. It was only £5 for 2 hours and I thought this was Such a sign that it was the next thing for me to check out. I always have a feeling if something scares me with the wild, raw, intensity this invitation did, then that’s my sign to face it and sign up. Skiing was something I’ve never done and it was there at some level on my bucket list to experience, although it was never at the top of the list. It scared me a Lot.
I have had 6 operations on my left ear including a big mastoidectomy and All this, including all the botched operations and the scaring has resulted in my balance not being as great as it could be. I don’t fall over in the street and I can do some basic yoga asanas if I focus and concentrate but I am absolutely Terrified of being on steep escalators, bikes, slippy surfaces etc. Anything where I’m maybe not fully in control. The feeling is difficult to describe. So basically Why on earth did I think Skiing was going to be fun for me to try?!
I sat at my work and All day my body was energetically fizzing. Not with champagne bubbles but with embodied Terror! I could really feel the adrenaline surging throughout me. This experience was conjured up from my wild and utterly overactive, creative Imagination. I also wondered if I had maybe completely mislabeled the energy and it was just massive excitement and I was going to discover a new talent - you just Never know!
I know that the mind is such a complete and utter trap and to look beyond all those illusions. I dropped all identification with whatever the mind conjured up and really got intimate with the very Alive sensations in the body as everything moved through. I dropped into my eyes open meditation practice all day long. Resetting Over and Over and Over and Over again coming back to the present moment rather than imagining all my creative mind offered. I didn’t turn from the experience but stayed with it, allowing it to be as it was without forcing it, or expecting it to be Any different than it was, and just witnessing everything, it just so happens that my body was experiencing a lot of fear. I kept staying with the very alive, raw, uncomfortable, wildness of it all. I had trust that nothing lasts and at some point this too would pass.
I went to the ski slope on my own, in the dark, without any friend to provide moral or emotional support. The path from the bus stop was steep and unlit and I couldn’t see where I was supposed to go very clearly. I didn’t know anyone in the group and already feeling particularly vulnerable and I was way too scared to chat to anyone. The staff on reception appeared a bit bored and didn’t really explain where to go or what to do and it didn’t help my nerves. Then I suddenly remembered my nearly phobic feeling about ice – I hadn’t really associated the artificial slope with ice before that point but now I was here I remembered what effect it has on my body and it was very intense.
I didn’t feel safe, it didn't feel fun. It all felt very dangerous to me with a high probability of injury and my legs wanted to run Fast and Far. But I felt an unseen being of light hold me Very tight and safe and keep saying everything was going to be ok and That kept me there.
I had set my intention to include success being: actually making it to the Ski center at all, staying with it, actually putting the boots on, putting the ski’s on and not falling over, moving my feet and body even a tiny bit, attempting to move unaided downhill, no injuries or need hospitalisation. I was prepared to do as much as I could and push myself as much as I needed to and then I would call it a day. I Very much know my Boundaries and where my No is. There would be absolutely No comparison or competition with Anyone else, this was My journey.
I went to get my boots and my challenges continued. I used to really hate my feet but actually they are pretty amazing and incredible. I understand that my feet are wide to deeply feel the earth and were really designed to be barefoot as much as they can. I really don’t like wearing Any shoes as often as possible! (I really am a bit like a Hobbit sometimes!) The first pair of boots I was given was for kids and there was no way my feet would fit no matter how much I pushed and struggled – talk about feeling like an Ugly Sister! I could put on the second pair which was actually for adults but they were really incredibly uncomfortable, I felt too enclosed and trapped in and I could feel my breath tightening. I was very conscious about watching my breath and doing techniques to really drop into the experience in my body. The instructor was very experienced and incredibly patient and really took care of me and helped me from the beginning when I explained I was not just terrified but actually I was genuinely freaking out and doing the best I could just staying present.
I saw the artificial mat and my heart went into Even more overdrive. To even stand on the matting with my skis on was incredibly Terrifying for me. It was night-time and the floodlights didn’t give me enough light to help me see and make me feel comfortable. I thought I would have had ski poles for balance but we weren’t given them. I tried to listen to the instructions but it was massively challenging for me to even be there let alone do anything else. I really didn’t go very high at all on the nursery slope. I found the pressure on my thighs from trying to walk up the slope and not fall over and not uncontrollably slide away, really hard. My body was Full of tension so when he kept saying relax it was like – “Really, that’s easy for you to say!” I Kept breathing, that’s All I could do, take Big Deep breaths, just focusing on my breath. I kept feeling panic attack terror moving through my body in Big waves and my body trembling like an earthquake. I had to get in control of myself on my own and calm my mind and breathing, I am beyond grateful for all the techniques I have ever learnt and I deployed them.
Saying all that, I DID manage to slide down to the bottom a few times! (probably incredibly slowly, although it felt fast to me!) I concentrated really hard and kept all my fingers and thumbs tucked in should I fall. I felt like a Gold medal winner and while what I did was absolutely Nothing to some people, to me it was Way Beyond how I can ever explain it and I was Very emotional at having achieved Even that. It was such a Huge deal to me.
I am Very aware of my limits and when I had safely achieved my targets and knew enough was enough. I wasn’t going to put my mind and body through more than I needed to and I had more than achieved what I thought I would. I went and sat at the side and watched for a bit and was content in my role as cheerleader until I saw someone fall and dislocate their finger.
Overall, it Really wasn’t fun for me, it is not a new skill or hobby I will continue with and the phrase ‘Never Again’ springs to mind but only through experience can you ever learn these things for yourself. I will continue to push the envelope but not through this practice, there are Plenty other experiences out there I’m sure.