To me, it's important to Talk about all this stuff because I am SHOCKED at the number of people who have contacted me privately and said "me too" or telling me Their story, it's Incredible! There's a LOT of abuse out there!
Why did I stay there for ten years? Because I thought that was the Best I could do, that was all I was worth, I didn't think I deserved any better. I put up with it, made the best I could of it and tried hard to count my blessings and ignore the abuse.
I'd been on my own for 4 years after my marriage & No one was interested. My sense of worth & self was Crushed after my marriage & it took a while to recover & then I picked Another Interesting choice of partner! I thought they were different but really they were similar, I just pretended they weren't.
I believed No one else would Tolerate me, let alone love me or want me- EVER!!!!!!
I believed So Very little of myself because of external stimuli that I took internally.
He was the First one to come along and show Any interest so I thought That will do.
No matter what I said or did or tried I was rejected emotionally & physically a LOT.
I cried a LOT.
When it gets to the place when you are asked "what are you crying about" & you say "the usual" "I'm used to it", that's not good.
Why tolerate that?!?!
Because I compromised ........ a LOT. Too much.....
I Pretended it wasn't That bad. I posted "happy" looking pictures of holidays.
I pretended it would all magically shift & change & he would wake up & realise.
I craved the illusion of safety.
At that point I wanted to Be with SOMEONE, no matter how poor quality the Truth of the connection. (Now I am CONTENT with my Own company).
He KNEW what my ex-husband was like & he said all these wonderful words that I kinda believed or wanted to that sounded so good of how he wouldn't hurt me and would be there......... Talk is cheep. In his case VERY cheep.
With space & hindsight, I see it all, I observe it from the outside.
I just want to wrap my arms around Myself & Hold Me for Days & Days & Days & Days & Days.
So many instances of unkindness wrapped up in illusion to trick me into not seeing them fully at the time.
He wouldn't communicate with me (and even broke up with me in THE Most Cowardly way over the phone).
I shoved everything into my body, packing it all in there tight, layers upon layers upon layers. I couldn't tell Anyone because of the Shame I felt & I didn't want anyone to know how bad it was.
I Constantly fed my body with food. I shoved food down On top of Everything to fill the gaping Chasms & block & suppress the pain. It didn't work so I just ate more and more and more. I watched my body get bigger & the loathing get bigger & I understood when he looked at me with genuine disgust & said I looked obscene and other unkind things.
My body is now Showing me the Depth of the Trauma its stored in there & it's So Exceptionally painful. The pain in there is VERY VERY Intense. Now I see it & sit with it but for Years I pretended the pain didn't exist.
I would do ANYTHING I could to distract myself from sitting with the Truth.- always going out & about to So many events (yeah Always on my own- he wouldn't come to Anything I was ever interested in, he only came to a sound journey Once, MOST of the images of nature were me walking on my own as he didn't want to join me. He wouldn't even come to the cinema with me. SO much of my life was on my own.
When he wasn't out at rehearsals or gigs, He'd rather sit with his back to me on his computer with his earphones on arranging music. That's how a lot of it was. He FILLED the flat with his Stuff- So much Stuff - black instrument cases & black cables & technology..... I was suffocated, I was squazed in, I had to literally squeaze past saxophone cases to get around the flat. the space I had to store my craft equipment was taken over, the space I had to be creative and make jewellery was taken over. I couldn't breathe. I panicked for air. I had to get out the flat a lot as I was dying.
Now with this DeepRest experience, there is very little distraction- I am not working, I'm not going out to workshops, I'm not reading every spiritual book..... Everything has been stripped so I've been left with sitting with what is.
I REALLY don't like it most of the time but I Stick WITH it.
I Can't push the Pain and Rage and Anger down any longer.
Everything Has to BURN.
Death of old ways of being, of old beliefs and patterns.....
Time to make way, to make Space.
To let the old skins Shed & Shed & Shed & Shed.
To Allow the NEW.
To sit with MYSELF & the Relationship with ME & Realise how UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING and EXCEPTIONAL I am & Always have been.
I feel Absolute Massive Freedom from THIS Abusive relationship, This relationship was clearing a Very abusive past life relationship with him and I've done the work and it's ALL cleared.
I feel Intense Freedom from EVERY OTHER Abusive relationship in this & Any other time or dimension-including all abusive bullying relationships I've had at work for 23 years & INCLUDING being Abusive to Myself!!!!!!
NO More!!!!!!!!
Time for Sweetness, for Profound Sweetness & Deep Deep Deep healing on All levels/ times and dimensions.
I NEED No one. I am my OWN Lover, I have had to be for a VERY LONG time as there wasn't another option. But I Would Enjoy some sweet company and I feel Very Excited at the thought of this First Kiss that is in the ether and will come in it's own sweet way and time.... there's Nothing like a FIrst Kiss and yeah the thought is sweet indeed.
To steal a line from Nakho Medicine for the people's song Black as Night
"I BELIEVE in the GOOD things coming"......