I experienced Pain, MASSES of it, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, karmic, past life, and because that wasn’t Enough for me, I felt the trials and tribulations of other people, I mean absolutely Everyone and even animals, plants, elemental energies Right on to the Pain Body of Gaia Herself and yeah it just Kept ripping me apart!!! I was So very Intimate with the experience of pain and suffering! It Seemed Unbearable and Endless and I was so very lost in an identification with suffering and this was my lot but hey I was used to it and I could handle it! I was usually Beyond Exhausted with this experience. I wanted a way out, some relief, some rest, some gentleness, some soothing. I could feel this bottomless pit in me that couldn’t be filled with anything that I tried to offer it and it just swallowed Anything external into the black void.
And so finally it became So painful that i just let go, opened my hands, surrendered, gave myself to Source and tumbled headlong into the dark Silent Void.
This Void is where I wildly avoided for years in search of only heavenly light beings and angels. This Stillness within is the most real, authentic place and to me it is so black it shimmers with light. It can not be described at all, it can Only ever be experienced. I am at Home here, This is where I find All I ever wanted in the Absolute Infinite Nothingness.
I have been off work for 4 months for one reason or another (the "Story" is Completely irrelevant) But in that time 2 significant things happened: I walked in Nature pretty much Every day which has healed my Body, Mind and Soul and I have dropped deeper and deeper into my experience of Profound Stillness and Silence in this Rich Void space.
This Simplicity plus the gift of 4 months to really rest so very deep has been the Most humble blessing and I am so very touched to have been able to experience this.
Someone said something at one point to sit and drink my tears, drink from this endless ocean. I remember a scene in a Harry Potter film where Dumbledore drinks the poison, it kinda felt like that and it felt an unending task. I Knew this was my medicine but it was Not easy. At times seemed to feel like Hell and I cried More tears. I felt So incredibly Worse before I even began to feel a little better. As I dropped deeper into my experience, All the “stuff” I’d been holding on to kept surfacing through my nervous system and None of my meditation sessions were in Any way peaceful but I know the power of what was happening so I Just kept with it and didn’t identify with Anything the mind was giving me. I couldn’t look away. I just had to Witness Everything moving through and not resist or stop it just let it move out. I just had to keep present, keep open, keep noticing and surrendering absolutely everything back to Source, holding Nothing.
So What was going on. Every single “Story” or “drama” that popped up was Just the attachment to the illusion of my though that I am EVER separate from Source. This creative, incredible mind constructed Idea of Separation and that lie brought Such incredible storms and tears in All their guises. I bought into the illusion that maybe other people find freedom but I wouldn’t or couldn't or that you might experience it Some day if you are really lucky and work hard and travel to weird places in India and sit for months and years with other people who are “Enlightened”, and you have to say funny words, do weird rituals blah blah blah…. All these experiences were separate from the mundane, normal life of working and doing the dishes and all that. Even the word “Enlightenment” or “Awakening” became a mind trap and don’t start me on the word “Twin Flame” and the seduction and attachment to That energy that I whipped up and then the Whole Divine Feminine thing and the Goddess energies and all that…. All of that is not true. Every distraction and excuse under the sun was just an illusion to postponing my peace, thinking it was in some Future Impossible space and time.
This period of time was an invitation to me to Stop and Rest. It’s challenging for this active mind, body and soul to Actually Stop so the slow down was not always comfortable as my mind got in the way. But I did and Do find more and more and more sublime Surrendered being. You need Nothing - no practices, no texts, no sage, no incense, no candles, no altars, no Deities, no mantras, any of it. These things may be ‘nice’ but they are Not the expereince.
There Truly is Nothing to do, Nowhere to go, Nothing to fix.
It’s felt like I was invited to step out of the way and Give myself to LOVE. To let LOVE Take me, Have me, Swallow me Completely into the place where there is NO separation.
My human dance Still seems to be one where I forget, remember, forget, remember but Right NOW, I remember there is no separation and All I have Ever been is LOVE and that is All there Ever is.