There’s So much I could write about my experience over the past few months and the journey that has taken me on and how it continues to unfold. But really, it’s all just a story. I could talk about the physical, emotional and mental sensations, thoughts and experiences that have moved through with absolute wildness but it’s all just illusion.
My relationship with my best friend and partner over the last 10 years has gone, I am not living in my home at the moment, I am medically signed off work without certainty on when I’m going back… Everything feels like it’s dissolving. Everything falls and drops away.
What’s happened is past. What Might or might not happen hasn’t yet and so just rest a while Here. It’s too exceptionally exhausting to play that dance of the mind moving backwards and forwards into sheer nonsense.
The intensity of the experience and the closeness of it and the speed and the ferocity of all of it make it appear real and call loudly with it’s seductive tones to follow the illusions down the spirals. So get Slow. Slower and Slower and just Watch all of it.
The cleverness of the mind and the ingenuity that it comes up with to offer thought after thought after thought, coming from every single angle is Fascinating to watch.
Surely the body must be real? Surely this experience of pain is real? The intensity and consistency of pain must be real? Well No. It’s just the identification with whatever is moving through. There need be no attachment to Any of it, to Anything that arises. Pain can be there and I don’t have to attach to it at all and it just doesn’t affect me the way it has done before. The pain comes from resistance so I notice when I Do have resistance and I open and soften and the pain can be there with less intensity.
I wrote this poem last year as I sat in the Mediterranean sea and meditated every day for a week. I remember the feeling of being all soft and deliciously open. And EVEN in this place I find myself now with a range of symptoms of trauma and severe depression I Still have glimpses of this vast, endless, experience. Day by day, very very slowly and gently, that experience reminds me and helps me through.
Where are my edges?
Who's pinched them?
Who's hidden them?
I can't feel them
I can't sense them
There is No edge today, anywhere
There is no other
Sitting in the sea everything is dissolved completely
Deeper into silence
Deeper into limitlessness
Even the cosmic jellyfish I identified as dissolves
There is Just light
There is Absolutely No discomfort or pain or suffering
Just endless soft opening
Total allowing
No where to be
Nothing to do
No goals to achieve
No searching
No longing
No effort
It can't be described, only tasted in experience.
Diving deeper and deeper & deeper....
Ecstasy.
I am not attached to what is going on right now, it’s just a fascinating experience. Falling deeper into surrender. Deeper into the Mystery. Deeper into the unknown. Deeper into uncharted territory.
Is it terrifying? Exceptionally so at times. Is it absolutely perfect exactly as it is, even in the raging storms and chaos? oh Yes! I wouldn’t miss a thing, I wouldn’t miss a second. ALL of this is for a reason. I don’t need to know why or need to work it out. I just have to show up and witness the dance, that’s enough. Just stay present with everything. Stay open.
Everything is absolutely ok. Everything is Love, Always has been, Always will be. Everything is ok.
(Image credit – My picture from 2015.)