Today I received my order of canvases for one of the art exhibitions I am having soon and of course my mother comes in to take a look at the unwrapped pieces. They are not to her taste perhaps, and she just can’t resit but say, “Oh, I’d hoped you’d have some of your snowdrop pictures” with a tone that tries to make me feel guilty and rush off to order some. Then going on about what might be “more” commercial and more likely for people to buy and that I “should” have a diverse mixture of pieces to please all sorts of people… etc etc. I just Watched it All.
NO. I stand in MY Sovereign Power. It is NOT about ANY of that old stuff. It’s Not about Pleasing ANYONE. This is MY space and I Claim my space. This is the FIRST time I can shake of All rules and Just show up and Play and be me. I have a Blank space for 2 months and it’s open to whatever wants to show up and move – I may even refresh the pieces as life changes over that time, who knows.
This is Not about what others might or might not Like, it’s not about external validation, it’s not about getting my ego stroked in any way. It’s Not even about making money or a new career or what happens next or any of that. When I ordered the canvases, I asked myself if I could afford for no one to buy anything at all and to still feel ok and comfortable and my body said yes, so it felt Very free to order what I wanted.
It is Simply something I feel called to do at this point and MORE than what the pieces look like it’s about the journey, about the creative process, about what happened before and during the creation. This Whole experience is about sharing my ongoing healing through symptoms of severe Depression/ Anxiety/ Panic Attacks/ Chronic Pain/ Chronic Exhaustion…. It’s about getting people TALKING about these subjects and not brushing them under the carpet, it’s about normalizing conversation about these things.
SO many people experience mental health challenges and life Can and Does continue. Personally, I’m diving deep with the lot without conventional medication or counseling therapies and yes I have good days and not so good days. But I allow the LOT and I am Super Gentle with myself and the entire adventure. For me, the greatest healers are presence, time and space and I noticed in our fast paced frenetic world that people rarely slow down to allow healing, I have been connecting with nature, meditation and photography and deep rest and healing has been possible. And I am doing Amazingly well!
One thing that does rear up is what basically Everyone has and that's the inner critic and I know mine is Savage at times – I wouldn’t talk to another soul the way I talk to Myself sometimes!!! I have watched Everything move through my body such as How Dare I even pretend to think I’m an ‘artist’ in any way – I have Zero training or background… Comparison with Everyone else and thinking I’m Rubbish…. Inviting people to the launch evening and feeling Old stories that no one will come….. ALL that stuff and More – way way way more. Do you know what…. I didn’t turn the volume down, I turned it OFF completely. I am Not interested in ANY of that stuff the mind offers, None of it matters, absolutely None.
There is Nothing to do, Nowhere to go. Rest Sweetly and Gently, Right here and now and the rest will unfold however it does without Any need for worry or concern in Any way whatsoever!!!
What That brings is a softening smile to my heart and a sense of freedom to Just be me. No matter what. To be MY Unique Flavour in this world and to not hide it in any way but to BRING it. TO Not Wait until I’m ready or everything seems ideal or perfect but Just to be Courageous and to GO.
If you are interested in checking out this exhibition, the launch night is Friday 12th May from 6pm at Saltire Motorcycles in Gorgie Road Edinburgh, and if that date doesn’t suit, the exhibition will be on until 30 June 2017, so there’s plenty of time to pop by if you are in Edinburgh.