On first inspection my harvest of the last cycle seemed incredibly scarce, the seeds hadn’t sprouted in this season, the dark rich Mother had held me longer and deeper than I may have chosen and holds me still and quiet a little longer. However. On revisiting, I am in awe at how Exceptionally Perfect Every single aspect has been and continues to be. Nothing has happened To me, it has all unfolded FOR me, for my Highest Good. Rather than any constriction at the seemingly merge harvest, rather than any tightness or dissatisfaction at what the current circumstances might look like, I feel a softening into relaxation and I feel Joy rising in my being. I am relaxed that my seeds may not sprout quickly in one season, and that my jewels and gifts take time to flourish into their fullness and splendor.
I had said long ago that my highest desire was Freedom so be careful what you ask for as it may appear but not always in the ways that you may think and that is what has unfolded over the last cycle. I have experienced freedom in So very many ways and not all the fairy tale illusions that we are conditioned or brainwashed. I feel a deep sense of humble Appreciation and Gratitude.
I have had freedom to be safe enough to experience complete full body chronic pain throughout my being - in my emotions, my mind, my spirit and my body. Pain that has been investigated and tested and not found to be from medically known sources but a gift none the less. Instead of turning away, I turned towards All of it, to Allow what is to be present. Intense Pain has been a very intimate teacher to show me the aliveness of the body and being and allowing me to slow down more and more to a tortoise pace and rest.
I experienced the freedom to go to the Very Edge and push it even further. I experienced the freedom to dance with the archetype of Death and deeply feel and hear the call to end my life looping like a continual stuck record. Only through dedication to some kind of faith, trust, and continual surrender was I able to dive deeply in these waters and choose to live, each and every time, no matter what swirled close. I don’t know the reasons but I have been invited to choose life Every single time and I have accepted that invitation.
I have experienced freedom from all obligations and relationships and while that was at times accompanied by words such as loneliness and isolation, the rich black deep dark Solitude has been perfect to reduce distractions in the process to notice habits, behaviors and unresolved wounds and traumas. I have experienced freedom to be messy and chaotic and wild and unpredictable and raw without pretending to be anything to please or pacify others with socially acceptable surface level mannerisms or characteristics. This dropping of masks and facades has unhinged some people who haven’t been able to see this mirror to their own tender places and they have turned away and fled. I have often (but not always) experienced loving presence and acceptance for any rejection and abandonment that has arisen and have not stopped loving those who go.
I have experienced freedom from a long-term abusive work situation after being dismissed because I have been medically unwell as a result of the working conditions. Since that happened, I have felt such relief at not having to return to a machine where bullying is part of the norm and people are treated like cogs rather than with empathy and compassion.
I have experienced freedom to start to be more of myself – beyond the expectations, labels, how other people saw me or thought of me. Identifications kept dropping. As the identification dissolves around my old work persona and what all of that meant, my soul can softly and slowly and gently emerge and I can Talk about things that matter more to me. I don’t feel silenced or suppressed. I have experienced freedom even in the choice of how to colour my hair – I had ‘sensible’ hair at my ‘sensible’ work place and when that wasn’t there I felt the joy of colour.
I have experienced financial freedom, not through abundant numbers in my account but the opposite as my comfortable salary completely vanished. This initiation into the meaning of money and worth and where I place value and spend my energy (as money is only an energy). I have at times felt like a Priceless multi Billionaire absolutely blessed and abundant among the trees and rocks and streams without numbers getting in the way. I have experienced how very little I need or desire and how simple it is to walk incredibly gently upon the Earth with very little.
I have experienced freedom of time, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. If I’ve needed to use time to be in bed for days resting deeply and letting decades of trauma begin to unwind, then that’s exactly what I’ve done. I had asked my GP for space and time and that’s what I’ve had and it’s been what I needed and continue to need.
I have experienced freedom to express. As I have navigated raging Mental Health symptoms this year, I have curated Two Exhibitions of my art for the Very first time, completely on my own! It was Never about what the images looked like or what the feedback was, it was about taking up space and the creative process and exploring and discovering. It was exhausting, terrifying and thrilling. This has been my biggest joy of the year.
I have experienced freedom to travel. Even with pain and exhaustion as my companions, I traveled on my own to Barcelona for Art and Architecture and reminders of pleasure and the juiciness of life including what brings me joy.
I have experienced freedom to fall into the arms of the country I was born in. Looking back, it has felt like the Medicine of Scotland has saved my life this year. She has been outstanding, from the borders to the Highlands, I have been abundantly blessed by Her majesty and I am humbly grateful for All the gifts that She has shared with me so Kindly. And all the Rock beings, the waters, , the trees, the plants and flowers, the animals, the moors and wild places and Even the cities with their own flavours and rhythms.
I do not see today's calendar date as the transition point into New Year as I celebrated that at the Winter Solstice in the old and ancient ways but I do mark this next turning of the wheel and step innocently into the unknown, without expectation, without needing, without grasping, without demands of how it should look or feel. I step gently into the Void and take the next breath.