My experience of Mental Health has been a Very intense Wild Ride. I am not healed or cured and I live moment by moment right now, with few if any plans. I am on zero medication and I have no support services, I am just managing moment to moment. Everything has been stripped back, stripped away. I have learnt SO many practices over the years & know a Lot of stuff that I’ve used to help others. But Still there are times when my neurology is on absolute fire & I don't have access to my own resources and its less than comfortable and there’s no one there to help, support, guide or witness.
This is a condition that can make one feel isolated and alone and vulnerable in many ways and it’s some of the hardest aspects. What medicine might look like for me sometimes is a desire for connection, intimacy, being with others in a non-judgmental setting and someone simply holding my hand when All of my being feels like its experiencing and earthquake.
What I have noticed within that is people have often stepped away and haven’t come close and shown up and sat with me in the storms.
As I have stripped masks and shared how it really is for me, I’ve seen people hide their eyes, turn the other way, pretend they haven’t noticed, not reach out a hand… It’s like they can’t face even thinking of their own shadowy places so the shun me for mine. I’ve seen people unfriend or unfollow me on social media. Not all but Some people have not been comfortable with me talking about my adventures. I've seen stuff like people posting that everyone should be raising their Vibration all the time & they don't want to hear the word depression & Certainly not Suicide! In this day & age WHY do we still have taboos? Why do we make others Wrong? Why do we Shame others for their experiences.
I have seen people who have said the standard phrases such as “I’m here for you”. When I see those words I smile as I see through the cover. It feels like it is said as a Get out of Jail card – they’ve said the words so that’s their commitment or obligation as a ‘friend’ met and nothing more needs said or done and I see people pull away and become silent. I Get the intention behind the words, but the onus is often on me to reach out and get in touch. The symptoms I experience make it Challenging to do ANYTHING let alone to reach out when I need it most and my cry for help is often a whisper left unheard.
There’s been times (Frequent times) when I have watched very challenging thoughts move through my nervous system of not wanting to be alive. It generally doesn’t feel personal but it is intense and uncomfortable. When I have shared that’s how I have felt publicly, my phone doesn’t ring, the doorbell doesn’t ring, people don’t swoop in. I often navigate these places on my own, even when I don’t feel I have access to my own abundant resources and I just have to sit face to face with whatever is there. I have been called not to lean on a soul and to parent myself through the burning Hells without Anyone sitting next to me, either physically or otherwise if they live far away.
Recently I was singing an old Big Country song called Ships.
“So where were you when my ship went down
Where were you when I ran aground
Where were you when I turned it around
Where were you when they burned me down”
But Occasionally, someone shows up –physically and emotionally and with Presence. When it happens, it floors me with it’s profound, sweet, kindness. Friendship and Love are only words, words are cheap, very cheap. Words only come alive through ACTION, through people stepping up and coming close even in the Dark Places. I’ve heard excuses about people thinking they live far away but it’s not about physical presence (Although, Sometimes I need physical pragmatic help) it’s about kindness and support.
Amongst the Acquaintances, there is a very small Handful of Souls that I am blessed to call friend. These souls remind me to stay on the Earth when things are crazy rough and when I’m hungry to let go in the Ultimate way- to life itself. They witness me without judgment, without fixing, without getting me to change or transmute or transcend a thing. They are empathetic and witness without going into their own story. They are present and it’s beautiful in its rarity. They are Kind and this experience of kindness and empathy is Exquisite.