Decades of not just one but Multiple people making me think I am crazy, making me think I am wrong and bad and delusional and my experiences are invalid and my thoughts are messed up.
The combination of prolonged abuse left me with constant anxiety that I didn’t show externally but I lived with adrenaline all the time. The mental degradation left me questioning Absolutely Everything about myself and doubting everything and not trusting anything. I felt insecure, and very confused and very lonely and depressed. My confidence and self esteem went to rock bottom.
It was such a trap that I stayed with one particular abuser as I was convinced that was the best I could do and tolerated the abuse for Any crumbs of affection. At the same time, I experienced abuse from many others. I was trapped in a prison with no clue on how to get out and at times, no clue I was in a prison. I was in denial about how bad it really was and I felt such shame that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I became dependent on my abuser and attached and every day, I made do and put up with it and got on with it. My bonding with my abuser elicited childish patterns of behavior as a coping mechanism and survival strategy. I didn’t think I could do Anything right. I felt the pain in my body grow. I cried myself to sleep more often than not.
Once my abuser had their fill, I was rejected, abandoned and discarded. At the time, I didn’t see clearly the Narcissistic Gaslighting and I wanted resolution. There was none. I was cut off completely and the abuser immediately moved on to their next partner.
I felt lost at sea. I couldn’t trust my own judgment or opinions. It felt like everything had been fabricated and I didn’t know what was real. I didn’t trust that Anyone had Ever liked me, let alone loved me. I had a wide range of symptoms including Chronic debilitating exhaustion, Chronic full body pain, shock, grief, deep sadness and sorrow, shame, guilt, fear, anger, insomnia, night terrors, isolation, eating disorder and much more. I experienced a full range of symptoms of Trauma. I had symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was signed off work with Severe Depression and Anxiety. (I was also dealing with decades of prolonged abuse in the work arena.)
The way the medical profession works is Medication. This is not my path. I tried conventional medication for two weeks and wanted to kill myself. I felt Completely numb and had no access to my own life force, no matter how dim it was so I couldn’t access the place of my life, my knowing, I couldn’t feel my womb or my gut so had no connection with my intuition. What got me through was my belief in something bigger, this connection with an unseen force that my abuser said was part of my delusion and madness.
Other than being offered medication like sweeties to shut me up and numb me and silence me, I’ve had no external professional help. The counseling services that are free are oversubscribed and their books are shut. I can not afford the amount of bodywork that I require. I waited a year for an appointment with a Mental Health Practitioner on the NHS and after the initial assessment he informed me that the waiting list is a further 22 or so weeks.
My experience of “friendship” has been interesting with Many people saying they are “there for me” and then Vanishing and unfriending me on social media! There has been a very tiny group of sweet people and I count my blessings for them but some of them are not local and that’s not always easy.
I have been off work for a while so I have no income and can’t afford all the yoga classes and holistic treatments that I Know would support and benefit my experience.
So, WHAT do I do? What Can I do?
I do my Best. Sometimes that looks Very messy, Sometimes that looks different. I Do my BEST to unwind ALL the Abuse and Unkindness and Neglect and Violence I have experienced. Not by revisiting as that is WAY to painful and overwhelming to even begin, especially without any professional support.
My path Through this is Allowing Deep Rest. The trauma in my body has been Enormous and my body is Exhausted, pretty much All the time. It needs space and rest as Much as possible. My mind needs Enormous amounts of Rest as I usually Only hear the Abusive, Violent, Unkindness that people have said and it’s too much to tolerate. I am not around a lot of people as I don't trust that I wont be abused further.
I connect with my meditation teachers and over and over and over, they help me find a way back to This moment and to the place that never changes, the Stillpoint. THAT is the ONLY thing that makes sense. When the Mind is Raging and the Body is in trauma, the ONLY thing that makes sense is being Absolutely present, putting ALL my attention on That which never changes and the Experience of that place, not the theory.
I have Such a Desire for peace and freedom, in my mind and body and emotions and spirit and most of the time, it doesn’t feel like that. So Instead of looking back at the Volume of Abuse or worrying about the future and if I will attract even More abusers and suffer Even More in the future, I can rest Right NOW. I can be GRATEFUL Right NOW for All that I Do have. It’s All I can do.
A day at a time, a moment at a time, a Breath at a time.
Keep it Simple little Warrior.
Keep Going little Warrior!
(Picture is a heart I saw in a Sacred Lake in Colombia)