Some are tucked away.
I could trace it with my fingertips but could never see it.
It wasn't That long ago that I actually took a picture of it on my phone for the Very First time and Really looked at my scar & sat with it,
it was emotional.
Today I can feel it's presence.
This scar was birthed when I was 16 years old,
Operation 5 of 6.
The first operation was when I was 8 years old and the last when I was 20.
This was the Masteoidectomy operation,
I didn’t want it and was told by a doctor with absolutely Zero bedside manner that if I didn’t have it, I would have a brain tumor and be dead by 40.
I believed him!
I remember being Completely Terrified beyond words, I remember the tears.
My experience of the NHS was not the child friendly landscape we have now, the children's hospital and ward was a place of complete Terror and pain for me.
When I was 15 I was put in a mixed ward in an adult hospital and I freaked out All the time I was there, unable to talk to anyone or get help – they may have just thought I was a shy and quiet little girl!
I remember 2 nurses making my bed around me and talking to each other like I wasn’t even there as I lay there in terror.
People would talk to my parents and explain things but no one talked to ME, I hadn’t a Clue what was going on and what they were doing to my precious little body, I was So scared.
For one operation the anesthetist tried 4 times to put me to sleep as he messed it up over and over with my little veins, my hand was Incredibly sore for more than a year after with the trauma and I had a mark where the tissue was damaged for a very long time.
I had no voice and no one to complain to, I felt invisible.
I had the Masteodectomy operation as the doctor had previously messed up the operation to insert a Gromit which had caused more damage and infection.
Every operation caused more pain, scaring and trauma.
The operation for the Masteoidectomy tweaked some nerves in my neck and I had a hiccup spasm in my neck for a while after which freaked me out, nothing was done, they just said it would sort itself out.
Sometimes I STILL feel discomfort in the area behind my ear and I don’t like the pressure if I'm wearing glasses for a while.
After All this time, that area is Still sore sometimes.
I just put up with it.
Like I put up with Deafness.
Deafness is not visible,
My experience is that people generally don't understand or empathise or make allowances.
Even partners have had little patience or understanding what it's like to be deaf.
I Hated being deaf, Passionately.
I hated being Different in yet Another way.
I hated the scar and even though I couldn’t see it, I felt Shame about it as it felt so ugly and disgusting.
I have had a Long journey of Dissolving that Hatred and making Peace with this Gift.
I LOVED Loud music concerts and stood Right beside the speakers,
I felt EVERYTHING like my heart was going to Explode.
I didn't learn to lip read but deafness taught me to focus and pay attention-
To what people say
To what people Actually mean
To what people don't say...
In this world of texting & writing black letters on a white page, SO MUCH can be left out or misunderstood.
How many texts have you read over, looking for meaning & perhaps getting the Wrong impression.
Communication is Not about words,
It's way more Primal than that.
I Feel people,
I see the Universe in their eyes,
I notice the subtleties of lifetimes in a glance,
I know their meaning in the way they breathe.
I see their lies and BS and their hiding.
Sometimes when I'm Tired I don't concentrate so hard,
I don't hear every word and I miss a lot of what’s going on.
But my Heart hears EVERYTHING,
My heart Never tires
My heart is the responder,
It Knows Everything & Way More.
Sure the trickster brain may try & step in & analyse but I'm more interested in bypassing all that.
I live in my heart.
I am more juiced about the simplicity of Being with another.
Complicated, fancy language and ideas are great but just sit a while, it’s more than enough.
So in some ways, I am grateful for this scar,
When it feels uncomfortable, it reminds me of the gifts it actually brings,
The gifts to dive Deeper, Much deeper than most people ever dare.
This place that transcends All words and limits of language.
This place of profound Deep Listening.
I can not kiss my scar but
if I could,
I would,
with unending tenderness.