There have been MANY times when I just Didn't want to stay in this body.
I didn't see the point.
I didn't see my worth. I very much felt useless, pointless and worthless, no matter what others might have said. There had been Such a volume of abuse that I'd believed what some wounded souls had said to me.
I didn't know my purpose, or couldn’t find access to it.
I couldn’t find access to all the tools, techniques and modalities I had learnt to not just survive but to thrive.
I wanted relief or respite from pain. I was overwhelmed with pain. My own, the pain of others, the pain body of the Feminine, the pain body of the world. All WAY too intense and too much!
The first time I didn’t want to stay, was when I was Only ten years old but the thoughts have moved through my being more frequently, particularly over the last year when I have been unwinding trauma and very slowly, gently and carefully finding a path of recovery.
What got me through?
LOVE.
When things have been Crazy wild, intense, dark, painful, scary, frightening, terrifying, traumatic, uncomfortable, unpleasant..... I have felt the presence and experience of LOVE.
When I couldn't access the internal eternal wellspring of love through the mire, then Love stepped it UP. Sitting by me and with me Always. Always means Always & not just Sometimes, when it's convenient. Not often in physical form but Always a tangible presence, always, without fail. Not in the form of a Religious God or anything, just a Knowing sense that Pure, Divine Love was Always there.
Love showed up in the trees, flowers, wind, waters, mountains...
Love showed up in the unseen realms with More and More & More guides & support of different types & lineages, just being present and witnessing without guidance or solutions or answers.
Love showed up in friendship. Not many, but deep & Rich & sweet & heart smashing.
Love showed up in Kindness, such beautiful, touching kindness.
Love showed up in family and the Enormity of heart that they have showered me with.
Love showed up in animals, so many big brown eyes to drown in & experience such sweet compassion.
Love showed up in the Deepest dark to shine a light. To help me mine the gems and lend me a hand to help me make my way out of those shadowy places.
Love showed up in Pachamama. She held my ankles upon the Earth and spoke to me like the Mother she is. She kept me here at the Worst times.
Love showed up Everywhere so all the places within were bathed and filled with this vibration, no matter What was going on or unresolved.
I've been to the depths and beyond. I wish that no others Ever go to such depths. Most of what moved through me was Not personal, it felt like collective pain. Each and Every soul is PRECIOUS. Each soul has felt like my own baby. I care Way too much about Each soul & Only want the sweetest & Best for all.
I STAYED because of LOVE.
I am here for LOVE.
I AM Love.
If you find yourself in a place where you don't want to stay because you think no one loves you, think again, there is at Least one woman out here who loves you & champions you & celebrates you, no matter what success looks like for you. (I had days where success was getting out of bed to brush my teeth!)
Keep going, keep Staying.
I'm no trained counselor (Yet!!!) but Please contact the Samaritans or Such like, I had their number in my phone so I didn't have to look it up.
Last night I had the Privilege of sitting with Gandhi's Grandson, Arun Gandhi and I have had the blessing of meeting Many other Exceptional souls. Gandhi Senior taught me SO much including "Be the Change". Mental health is a Challenging ride, I am on no medication and have very little external support. BUT I believe it is All for a purpose, I don't have all the clarity or answers but it is for a purpose! Maybe its ONLY so I can say -
Take care of yourself.
Stay.