In today’s session, I kept looking for my familiar experience of pain? I was Sure it Must be there somewhere, It’s Always there, so - WHERE was that familiar feeling? where was it? where was it hiding???? Seriously…. where was it??? There were a couple of Tiny bits that I maybe noticed but that was about a 0.1 on the scale compared to the tension I’ve experienced before. The more and more I looked, the more the atoms and subatomic particles gently moved Even further apart and all there was, was endless space, I sensed I am utterly impermanent and not solid in the slightest, that turned into connection with Everything and then tripping out in the Oneness vibe – Love it!!! I felt absolutely painless, there was NO resistance to her touch, even as she went deep where there used to be solid blocks of steel, nope that old feeling just wasn’t there - Crazy!!!!!
All this Sooooo ties in to the Goddess energy archetype from Amy Palako (http://www.amypalko.com/) today - Aditi and the invitation to create space. Goodness, space!!! Yeah the black void has been pulling me deeper and deeper into the welcoming nothingness, it’s like a homecoming beam showing me where I need to go and be. Its So infinite and all encompassing.
All I can do is keep surrendering, Keep giving Everything up, all thoughts and emotions, over and over and over, I can’t hold on to Anything at the moment. I keep cutting ties and cords (watching them immediately regrow and cut them again, over and over). I have been getting rid of old clothes and shoes and clearing out stuff – Soooo much more to do. I have been sleeping like a log and can’t get enough rest. I am surrendering into utter exhaustion and extreme weariness and letting the blackness hold me.
I also experienced this sense of infinite space last week at the Incredible sound experience David Newton offered at the Himalayan Café in South Clerk Street, (https://www.facebook.com/groups/909247799089337/) I watched the sound waves move through my body and I just couldn’t find any resistance, no matter how hard I tried desperately to look for a familiar sense of some kind of problem (OK there was a miniscule bit in my ear that had been a bit blocked during the week but that’s Nothing and that as well melted!!!)
The same sensation of abundant space popped up at the exceptional sound journey with Suzanne Harris (http://www.soundsphere.org.uk) and Sharon Rossi on Friday at the Theosophical Society, where I became soft transparent cosmic jellyfish floating in a sea of abundant love!!!
Last night in my ecstatic dance in the dark with Dawn Breslin (http://harmonizing.weebly.com/) , I felt held in the large space and could be All of me, I could be Everything I really am. I surrendered Everything All up and it felt So wild and perfect to be So unleashed and to Writhe around on the floor so sensually and free and just express my Truth – it was Such a safe space to be Real and raw! Before the music started, I didn’t have a clue if I was going to be a pile of emotional jelly on the floor with the intense Full Moon energies that had been with me all day but the sweet medicine of the dance was So powerful.
I know I have been feeling softer and softer and more and more open as I dive endlessly deeper into this experience of delicious divine feminine energy but to really test it out and to Really notice it and experience it - Staggering, Incredible and deeply moving!
I remember at my meditation course in 2009 when one of my teachers asked THE question:
What is your Highest Desire?
For some people it may be peace or joy or something. For me it was Unconditional Love. Ever since, I keep coming back to this over and over and over again, it is in my attention and focus a LOT. The Universe offers up my desire constantly but not always in the way I expect. Life Frequently presents situations where I find it incredibly challenging to stay present. I notice how often I forget and how I actually get drawn into the dance of being conditional with my love and have expectations but the Second I drop any expectations, I fall into the ocean of utter love. There is Always a choice, I choose my highest desire Every Single Time! Everything Always comes back to love.
I have Really been piling in the personal practice and deep personal transformative work and ALL the courses, ALL the workshops, all the work, all the adventures, all the tears, all the expressions, all the experiences, All the Everything are ALL utterly perfect, Everything is So divinely perfect.
What Everything reminds me is that there Really is Nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing is broken and nothing needs fixed. All there is, is this Divine moment and in that space of now, I experience Infinite Unconditional Love for EVERYTHING.