When I was in relationship, it was the same,
the person I was with, just wasn’t interested in coming to Anything I was interested in.
And so I used to ask friends or
post on social media to see if anyone wanted to join me at various events,
I was used to Silence or excuses.
Piece by piece, rejection after another, I stopped asking so much.
If there was something I was interested in I just went on my own,
I went walking on my own,
I went to the cinema on my own,
I went to all sorts of events on my own,
I went to see the Dalai Lama Twice on my own.
Still I felt Uncomfortable going out alone last night.
I felt very shaky.
It was ok when the lights go low and the show starts, But
I hate the piece before –
I felt So self conscious on my own in the queue or waiting…
While everyone else laughed and chatted with their friends.
It Stopped me going to a bunch of events because I felt very sensitive to that part, and
also thinking about how I can stay safe getting home.
I missed out on a bunch of events I would have Loved because I was scared to go on my own and didn’t feel brave enough.
Yesterday I saw that Shane Koyczan was in town,
Not only that but the venue was changed to accommodate more people and
It hadn’t sold out when I found it!
He’s a spoken word poet and an inspiration and I HAD to go, I just HAD to.
It was very last minute, I Knew people probably wouldn’t be able to make it or perhaps be interested at all.
I put a shout out for any friends to join me and the expected response came.
I felt shaky and kind of scared and very “rabbit in the headlights” as I hadn’t been to the venue and felt vulnerable after expending so much energy putting on my first ever art exhibition the night before.
I felt an energy step close, So close and intimate.
I felt my own masculine energy.
“Darling, get your favourite underwear on and your best perfume,
I’m the one taking you out tonight.”
All night I felt my internal masculine energy Close, Attentive, Supportive, Strong, and LOVING.
I relaxed into the presence of my own energy as I enjoyed some Proseco.
I heard the hum of a room FULL of chatter, felt the energy and sat in my own space, in the second row right in the middle.
I felt a slump when they said there would be support acts as I expected they might be pretty rough, but from the first person I was Amazed and enthralled and hooked and the tears started then.
And then the main act.
I am deaf, so I really concentrate to hear,
When I am tired, I have to concentrate a lot harder.
When it’s spoken word poetry like that, there’s no space for my mind or thoughts
There is Pure Alive awareness of the words and the energy Exactly as they are shot out,
No analyzing, no wondering how it relates to my life etc,
No, all of that Might come after but in that moment,
There is Just the presence of a person delivering their art.
I allowed my tears to fall and the joy to rise and be present as well
as I witnessed.
Thank you to Me for such a very beautiful, rich and potent date night.
Maybe one day it wont be a date night for one,
Until then I’ll do my best not to hide from the world
and be brave enough to
Keep going to the things that make my heart Sing.