I bumped into someone I’ve not seen in a long time and they asked, as people do, if I was “BUSY”. I nearly snorted with amusement! But, This is what people often ask, and the socially expected dialogue revolves around the glorification of busy and busy being a seemingly good thing which can correlate to a successful, full, and productive life….
I have Little interest in “Busy” right now. I am juiced about dropping the busy and making space and unwinding the body and neurology and all that was tightly held. What I have been up to is slowing down in the world and Simply BEING. I have been relaxing deeper into my body, deeper into my heart. It is Truly Enough. Because of the social conditioning, I initially found it challenging to let go of the ideas that I SHOULD be Doing Something, but I just watch it all and smile!
My “busy” used to look like a full life, lots on, and no I really wasn’t happy. I externally looked happy but I was Screaming on the inside as Nothing filled the void that I was So desperately trying to avoid Being with. I abandoned myself Constantly and numbed myself out to Avoid being with me. I didn’t even really want to be in my body or Truthfully – even alive on the planet quite often but I medicated myself with the socially acceptable addictions of food, social media, spending money, all that kind of stuff.
Life took me OUT. Not just a few weeks holiday in Spain or somewhere but Stamping on the breaks and ripping out the engine, destroying the vehicle so I could not go forward another millimeter. EVERYTHING fell away.
It’s been absolutely exceptionally Amazing to surrender into the grace of nothingness, the absolute unknown and be completely with my own body without distraction, without abandoning it, without turning from it.
ALL I wanted was time and space, nature, meditation and NO medication. My doctor was Amazing and understood this was the prescription I required. This is THE most priceless healing formula available and the one that is Seldom available as symptoms are covered up with sticking plasters and people stagger onward, rattling like a shaker with the pills jingling inside, without BEING with the core issues.
My experience has been diving with awareness of trauma in my body. It has felt like living on adrenaline for most of my life – meaning I was hypervigilent and struggled to relax as the survival part of my brain was Always watching out for attack. I have required Extreme Deep rest, and a LOT of absolute quiet. I tried to physically rest the body even when it wasn’t sleeping if insomnia and or exhaustion was present. Even gentle walking has not always been easy as my whole being at times was in pain or if not, it would often tighten and constrict when I was out alone. An absolute support has been warm baths with plenty of salt, it’s been one of the few places I’ve had a glimpse of respite at times from discomfort.
For a while, I couldn’t really tolerate light, or sound, or people, I sat in my room in the dark. I couldn’t watch tv or use the computer or read. I couldn’t meditate or sleep. I Just had to sit there and try to remember to breathe. Everything was stripped away to the breath. It felt like forever, but that too passed. So did the thoughts to end my life. SO much has moved through me, it has been at times, the most excruciating experience I could begin to imagine but Even then I didn’t turn to alcohol or substances to avoid what was moving. Often the experience didn’t even feel personal at all, there wasn’t a story about it, just the raw, vulnerable experience.
Throughout Everything, even the darkest places on my own with no one about, I felt a Constant experience of something bigger, I felt LOVE. No matter What my mind was saying, no matter what my body was experiencing, no matter the external circumstances… I felt LOVE. Even when I was convinced I was useless, Pointless and Worthless, I felt LOVE. This is my True Nature, this is who I AM. All the rest is just an interesting adventure but it’s NOTHING compared to the experience of Love.
So, what about now? Am I all healed and perfect and well and resolved everything in my life and got satisfactory answers to all the questions, and got a clear path forward and am I a shiny enlightened Being?! Ermmm Nope! Do I feel exceptionally better than I did – Oh YES! Right Now, I have zero judgment or preference about what is going on in my body and I have no suffering as a result which means I experience a LOT of Freedom which is my Highest desire. I experience SO much peace. I experience LOVE – Deep, Beautiful, Divine, Infinite LOVE.