Those places were Not where the jewels lay, not where the seam of Gold was found, not where the pearls lay waiting, not where the relaxation of the body was discovered in that Guttural Full Body YES of Finally realising what it was I was doing and then Stopping Completely and coming back to myself.
There Is a place for All these lovely activities and meetings, but I was addicted to them. I needed them and relied on them. I was exploring who I was.. but in doing that I over and over and over again gave away my power to Others (facilitators/teachers/ even “beings of light” and such), without even realising it. I was looking to Others to give me the “missing piece”, the “answers” to questions that actually have no Answers and are much more mysterious and vast and gloriously ineffable than any surface level answer. It’s easy to hand over money or time or energy and have expectations that somehow, magically, everything will unfurl in a workshop and be resolved but it was just a trap, just a tick, and often just a business opportunity for the person offering whatever it was, wrapped up in pretty and seductive packaging and wording for the workshop addict’s ear. I was Often Seduced by – if I do This workshop THEN I’ll…. A Big Piece about this future “Then I’ll…” The wording of many events cleverly weaved into insecurities and wounded places and prayed on the vulnerable places with hypnotic language and business skills. It was actually dis empowering in some ways.
The beauty of not having an income for a while, has offered the rich gift of cutting me off from workshops and events and making me go cold turkey immediately with no cooling off period. I noticed an initial yearning for a while and a feeling that I was missing out on something and that I “should” attend and make the effort… It feels SO freeing to let all of that go!
What opened up was Space. So much slowing down and not Rushing to events and the next and next and next… I began to not miss it at all and I began to Enjoy the space and quiet. I enjoyed resting and being in nature. I enjoyed the solitude, the not knowing, the being more and more simple. It felt good to drop the “spiritual” stories and become more and more Human, dropping deeper into the body and Living in it and the teachings right there. It felt sweet to feel incredibly grounded and rooted and anchored and it felt magical to experience the absolute contentment with what is. Everything has been bringing me back to Right NOW, right Here and the Divine Perfection of that, However that may appear.
Right now, I feel More joy, peace, love, contentment and freedom than I have in Many years. It has come from no one, no thing, no place, no workshop, no book, no teacher, no Guru, no activity externally. It has come from simply BEING. It has come from me deeply Allowing everything to show up and not transcending or transmuting Anything but just witnessing with deep presence. I have sat with whatever has wanted to move through and witnessed it, Loving everything and often Forgiving – myself/ others/ situations… Forgiving has been So powerful, So beautiful and So full of Grace and Deep Compassion. I am flooded with Gratitude. I have been allowing Everything that I am not to fall away. What has come back in, is my Power, my Sovereignty. I am whole, I am worthy, I am Good Enough, I am LOVE. I am a recovered Workshop junkie and now I can Choose if I want to attend something but I can choose from a space, not of neediness and desperation, but a space of deep Love.