I began classes at the age of 2 at the Academy of Ballet in Edinburgh. I was Exceptionally shy to put it mildly but I was in love with everything about this experience! I have a very early memory (don’t know what age) of being so in love with my tiny dance shoes, they were white leather and had little blue rabbits faces on them, they were like a piece of magic to me and I cherished them. I remember when I went to get my first proper pink shoes and my thrill when I progressed to the glorious pink satin ribbons - I took such care and attention to sew in my ribbons with the tiniest of perfect stitches.
We called the lady playing the piano Aunty Lotty and I used to take in my favorite little teddy or a dolly to sit beside her and keep her company as she played. My first teacher was called Mrs Denny and to me she was so beautiful. She was tall, elegant, graceful and had short flame coloured hair and I would have done anything to please her.
I dreamt of dance every night. I had a Degas print of ballet dancers in their tutus on my bedroom wall and I had 1 cassette tape of Tchaikovsky that I played until each note from Swan Lake and Romeo and Juliet particularly was deep in my blood.
I remember the sheer magic as I was taken to see ballet at the Kings theatre in Edinburgh. The first one was Coppelia. We didn’t go out a lot and this would be Such an occasion. I had my best party dress on (blue with tiny white dots) and I had a box of orange matchmakers, which was Such a treat. I remember how dark the theater was and the anticipation as people came in and the noise grew and then the orchestra swelled. I was captivated, immersed, hooked, swept away, in awe and wonder at Everything about it, the staging, the lights, the costumes, the music, the performance, the dancing. It was like my fairy godmother had sparkled her wand right over me and life in that moment was sheer perfection. I saw classic favourites –Swan Lake, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Nutcracker, Giselle, Romeo and Juliet…..
I started dancing in the local church hall at St Andrews in Clermiston and moved to a hall in Corstorphine and then finally to the main dance studio of the Academy at Lauriston Place in town. My memories of Tuesday nights were the pungent delicious smell from the brewery as we drove along the Western Approach road. There was a colony house with a red door and my little friend said a witch lived there and I believed her – I was Terrified every week that she would see me!
I remember the large dance studio with soft blue walls and high ceilings. It had large grand mirrors and bars all-round the room. I remember loving the quality of the light coming through the windows and turning the wooden floor into a rich pool of liquid honey and wanting to dip my toes into that pool. Mr Spurgeon especially was Very strict, it was all about doing everything the way you were taught accurately and correctly, no room to express your individuality, no room for giggles.
I took ballet classes right through until I was about 16, when exams and life got in the way of the high level of dedication and extreme discipline I was asked of from my teachers, Mr Spurgeon and Ms Tucker. I was actually Very good and used to lead the class just before I stopped. I was going through a phase of starting to think about taking it further and could I possibly think about applying for a dance school. What scared me and put me off possibly was the stories of anorexia, high pressure and the many many injuries one can sustain.
We didn’t perform in shows like so many of my friends at the Manor School of Ballet, we focused on Exams and I was Expected to do my best. My dad used to come and watch the class and then try and explain at home what the teacher meant and then he showed me his version, which made me laugh. Preparing for walking into the examination, I remember the fear as I sprayed the knot in my ribbons with hairspray to make sure they didn’t come out and making sure my hair was in a tight bun with countless grips. I was Terrified at the table of examiners staring at me. I remember my favourite dance – the dance of the tarantula, compared to most of my pieces, it was Incredibly Wild. I played a gypsy girl with a full colourful skirt and so many beautiful ribbons on my tambourine and I Adored my costume. I was bitten by the spider and danced in an ever increasing frenzy until I died – I loved the passion so very much. I often had highly commended awards and great comments and I was beyond excited to have Dame Margot Fonteyn’s signature on the certificates – she was my ultimate idol, she was supreme effortless grace and beauty.
Since we didn’t do shows, my highlight I suppose was dancing the Sugar Plum Fairy in my Primary Schools version of the Nutcracker– about age 7. It was a solo performance and all the attention on me was too much. I did Love the tutu, I was all of a sudden one of the Degas dancers I had always dreamed of!
All my training was strict and serious and then there was my dad and his dancing! I used to be so mortified as at Every excuse, Every party that he danced with Craziness and had this Massive smile on his face! I particularly remember him on holiday in France having such fun waving his hands about in such abandonment! I thought it was just incredibly embarrassing dad dancing but he was having an absolute Ball and I seriously missed a trick not joining in and dancing with him and experiencing that joy – ok so he was usually more than a bit tipsy as well at that point!
When it came time for the school discos and all that I retreated more into my shyness and wanted to dance so Very much but I was to self-conscious. My first proper kiss was to a slow song at the end of a disco. I even remember the song – Gloria Estefan, Don’t want to loose you! (yes, it was an amazing kiss!)
Time passed and I went to University, got a job and got married. I always had dreams of my first dance at my wedding and what it would be like to dance with my ‘Husband’ for the first time. Unfortunately, it was Nothing like my expectation - I was just holding him up as he was So drunk and I was desperately trying to get him to move even a little and give me even a Little attention. He didn’t really dance with me all night, preferring to be with his friends in the bar and drink! (I should have known right then really - the marriage only lasted 4 years..)
And then I was single, completely heartbroken and so very lost. Edinburgh is a big city and it is hard to make friends sometimes – people go to class with their friends and then go away again, it’s difficult to find a way in sometimes. I wanted to find some connection, I wanted to meet new people and make new friends and have new experiences.
I came across Bellydance at Dancebase. I was Wild about the music, the rhythm, the technique, the history, the culture, the full colourful skirts, hip scarfs and veils in their multitude of rainbow colours. I started to laugh again and touch the joy I had lost. I wasn’t so wild about the teacher who glowered at me as I giggled and spun. This class was about the technique, the ‘right’ way to dance but All I wanted was loose abandonment and Fun! I was very good and I progressed into the advanced class and then one night we were filmed for a show we were putting on. I hadn’t practiced and couldn’t stand the thought of going back the next week to watch the evidence of me spinning the wrong way when all the rest were going the correct way. I ran away in my embarrassment and shame over such a tiny, simple little thing and didn’t go back.
I next went to a salsa class and was so excited by the hot spicy rhythms and the idea of exotic dance clubs in far flung places. I had the expectation that I would dance with some amazing guy and he would spin me and move me but the reality was a lot of awkward guys with horribly clammy hands, bad breath and 2 left feet. I orchestrated it so I danced with the teacher as much as possible and that was exciting as she really facilitated my dance and let me fly even with the rudimental basic steps.
And so I kept on searching. My friend kept talking about a 5 Rhythms class and I kept finding creative excuses why I couldn’t go. I felt self-conscious and unsure. Eventually, I went to my first class class and that first night I knew I’d found my home as I fell in love at first dance. My words after the class were – “I’m going to be a dance teacher of this stuff”!
There were no rules as such, no steps, no discipline, just unadulterated freedom to express yourself in Whatever way arose in that moment! This has been my deep medicine over the past year, it has been transformative. I can show up with Whatever vibration is moving through me and express myself in my true authentic nature without worrying about any steps or how I look or even if I am moving at all. I have danced rage, anger, guilt, hurt, joy, ecstasy, love, peace, freedom and Everything really. I have danced directions and I have danced elements. I have danced archetypes...
I Love surrendering up completely and letting go more and more and more until something strange happens and I am danced. It is a strange sensation to notice the that it’s not my mind that’s listening to the music and connecting to my muscles to make them move, it is much more visceral and unplanned and deeper, my dance emerges from the silence of the void, the space of pure potential and creativity. So very much happens in class and each dance has it’s own experiences. Sometimes I watched how I wanted to avoid the chaotic rhythm at the peak of the class and it was all too much, other days I am at the epicenter of the class dancing wildly frenzied in ecstasy. It’s amazing that there can be up to 60 dancers in the space, of all ages and abilities, there is such grace that we all find our way and don’t bang into each other (unless through conscious decision).
I Love the connections I have had with other dancers now. At first I focused So much on my own journey, my own practice and was uncomfortable at times when we were invited to take a partner. Lately, there has been a profound level of connection with ‘strangers’. I have been deeply moved and humbled and touched by the beauty and sacredness of connecting to another soul in this way. I have Really seen and witnessed whoever I have danced with and feel honoured that they allow me into their space to share that moment. I have felt the amazing vibration and the flow of energy of two bodies moving. Where indeed do I end and you begin, there is no separation.
Today I went to the 3rd and final Morning Gloryville morning rave as part of the Edinburgh Festival, its been incredible. What a way to start the day. I thought today’s dance was going to be a joyful expression but it had a different flavour today and I Love the freedom to express in whatever way is moving through. I am not a pretty dancer, I am a Wild, sometimes strange dancer. My body teaches me and I listen to her wisdom. Today I noticed my womb as I bleed. I danced to honour my womb, my blood and the void of emptiness and nothingness. I honoured the sacred divine feminine and the Goddess through my expression. I Felt this Rumi line today: "Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free."
I AM a dancer. Right now I dance my own practice, and then……..