I Never thought I was good enough to think of myself as an artist. I compared myself harshly to Everyone. I haven’t been trained or educated in art, I don’t have that background….. SO WHAT!!!!!
I ENJOY creating, Always have done, it gives me Lots of Pleasure. I LOVED learning pottery a couple of years ago, Just for the creative part, I had No Care about the outcome, it was all about experimenting with the clay to see where the edges were, where would the pot fall, how much could I take off the foot without making a hole… Some of the stuff I made was “ugly” and I Thrilled at the freedom to make Ugly stuff, stuff that was not commercial or palatable, it was Real hands in the mud therapy and I adored it!
My passion has Always been Photography. This has partly been due to Space, I don’t have room for a kiln and a studio in a tiny one bedroom flat, so it is something I can do easily. (What Fascinated me about my partner leaving last year was that the Only thing he asked to take was the camera – he didn’t really take Any photographs, he wasn't interested, he Always tutted or scowled or sighed or moaned and groaned, if I was with him and I stopped to take Any photos so I rarely had Space or time to take the images I wanted so it felt like he took the camera out of pure spite! The camera I have left is not the best in the world but it gets me by until I come into abundance to get different kit.)
What's been interesting is that I have noticed how long I have had symptoms of Depression and Anxiety and Stress and Trauma and Chronic Pain and Chronic Exhaustion. It Hasn’t Just been since the break up and noticing how abusive the relationship had been, it’s been a long time.
Photography has been my Solace. It has helped me to get outside, connect with the world and understand myself and my place. I practice eyes open meditation and I am generally on my own when I am out taking photographs, so I also feel that piece about solitude.
I wrote a blog about going to a meditation retreat in Yorkshire and opening up to What Else is there and seeing the world differently. Since then I played a lot with with colour and texture and form. I Also use energy work in all my pieces – Reiki and Creative Therapeutic Sound medicine, so it’s Much more than just an image. I cleanse the work with Palo Santo and Singing Bowls.
This playful expression and discovery lead to creating a series of abstract images of motorbikes. This lead to …….
My Very First EVER exhibition!!!!
(What's a comfort zone again?!)
The reason I wanted to do this was to show that EVERYONE is an Artist and to Talk about Art as a therapy vehicle to help with Mental Health Recovery and to have Dialogue about mental health and the stigmas/ taboos around all of that.
There Couldn’t be a more perfect time as this week is Mental Health Awareness week. The theme is about Surviving and THRIVING. Sure I have had times when ALL I could focus on was surviving the next breath and I have been as low as it gets and then some to put it mildly but there’s a Very deep and Potent Strength in me despite ANYTHING to Keep Rising, over and over and over again, no matter What happens. And to THRIVE in this life and to SHINE with All my colours, not just Some of them but All of them - Including the murky and darker shades - All of it is allowed.
I have noticed that I have learnt personal development tools/ techniques/ modalities and practices over maybe 25 + years and wanted to HEAL my symptoms. With Softening into what is, I am aware that perhaps I’ll Always have these experiences, maybe I wont, maybe its cyclical, maybe this is all of it moving out my system and it’s all just an experience to learn first hand about this so I can help other people not only Survive but to THRIVE. I have No preference right now for what happens, it's all ok, All of it.
I am SO PASSIONATE about Talking about Mental Health and my experiences with this and saying Over an Over that it’s OK to not be OK. It feels Very isolating and lonely and confusing and terrifying and challenging at times and I’ve Really not felt massive support at times, which can be super tough but I’m in AWE of how I am doing, Incredibly in AWE, Very moved and Humbled by witnessing Myself. I'm a pretty incredible soul, even if I say so myself!
The launch of the exhibition was last night (12 May 2017) It was Mind and Heart BLOWING! The exhibition is Still on until 30 June 2017, so there’s still time to take a look. It is in a Motorbike Shop (Saltire Motorcycles, Gorgie Road, Edinburgh, owned by my meditation teachers who are Very incredible people - These people INSPIRE me to be the Best version of myself, to show UP 200% of life.
I did Everything myself, got everything organised and hung myself. Even though I am an intelligent woman, when I have symptoms flare up, it’s hard enough to remember to brush my teeth, let alone prep an exhibition. Last week for example, I couldn’t get out of bed some days as I felt SO sore and So incredibly Low.
I Loved the prep on the day as all of a sudden, I felt absolutely Zero pressure, it felt like my meditation practice in that moment had taken a Huge syringe and sucked out all the Doubt and Fear and Inner Critic and Self Sabotage and Worry and any levels of self violence and just left the experience of Stillness. I Adored the Cool music in the shop, I Adored intuitively placing the pieces without planning, I Adored the freedom to have the imperfections of the way it was hung as I didn’t have the energy to worry about getting Everything perfectly lined up and just did the Best I could. It was all Super Effortless and Simple and JOYFUL. I felt in my element, I felt Home.
When I had invited people SO very many said they couldn’t come. On the day SO Very many pulled out. I watched my thoughts and my grooves and patterns around rejection and abandonment and stayed Very Very Super close and attentive to that and what it was showing me. I saw thoughts of how wildly challenging this journey with mental health had been for me and how I very rarely ask for Anything at all and how I wanted people to Show UP and BE there for me and how disappointed I felt. (Not even my own brother, who lives in the same city, showed up for me.) I watched my thoughts about how irritated I was of the reasons that came in about why people weren’t coming but again it was my grooves I was seeing, it was Nothing to do with who was saying what. I saw the irritation places where I got no response at all to my invitations. I saw Lots of old deep grooves about external approval and validation and expectations about people leading to feelings of disappointment. I Just Watched All of it and Kept watching and being Super Attentive and Very Gentle with Everything!
It was Never about people coming or not, it was all these unresolved wounds lighting up in Neon right in my face! A few days after Full moon in Scorpio and that’s where my natal moon is and I am Not Surprised in the Slightest that all this fascinating shadow was up close and in my face!
I found the place where it Just didn’t matter, Any of it, whatsoever. I found a place where I had No preference who came or didn’t or what happened externally - I felt SO Held in the space and the Silence and in the experience of PURE Divine LOVE. I Felt the LOVE in my Own heart, I felt my Own Divine Radiance.
When my first Dear friend showed up, my heart Exploded in Joy, he is Always there, he’s been Absolutely Amazing through this Whole journey, its felt like I Already have an art exhibition as he has 5 of my pieces in his place! And then So many others came. People traveled from all over to come and support me, which was so beautiful. I was very Deeply touched by people’s kindness.
So, it’s Started! I have my FIRST exhibition. I’ve sold pieces already. There’s Another exhibition coming (maybe a different flavor?) and possibly a 3rd?!?!?! I’ve Just tentatively started a website but that will all unfold in time as well. It's all Just the Start.
No more Hiding! (Well it’s hard to hide now I have Green hair! Keep it Funky!)