It is the start of World Childless Week.
I have seen the numbers, the stats, I have heard stories from other women (and men) about what it’s like to be childless. I have ALSO, like many heard the Very unhelpful and at times Cruel comments from well-meaning people such as “There’s always time, people are having kids later and later now”… That and all the other comments pushes my buttons for SO many reasons!
So here I am 45 years old and Childless by Circumstance, not by choice.
I have given up on the “Maybe One Day…..” Not Everyone gets their happy ever after story. I’ve gone through the Full gamut of- not wanting kids, to Really wanting them, to trying to have one, to being pregnant for a nanosecond, to not having a husband who was physically capable of doing their part, to having another partner who was very emotionally abusive and rejected me sexually for many years, to not having a suitable partner at all. Currently I am single and have been for a while and there are Some things that even I can’t manage alone!
For the past 2 years maybe, I Allowed in the truth that I am Childless. I allowed the Grief to be present. I felt the Grief So Wildly and Passionately with All of me. This grief is not talked about, it’s not understood, it’s covered up and hidden by our society, it is a deep Taboo. This is a grief that IS present and it Needs to be felt and allowed and Spoken about.
The Depth of the grief hasn’t passed for me completely. Sometimes I’m ok and I forget for a minute and then I go to the supermarket and there’s a whole array of products for tiny people, or I walk past a window with amazing, tiny shoes that I’ve never had the pleasure to buy and on and on. Yes, it Seems that Everywhere I look there are pregnant women, women with prams or pushchairs or toddlers or happy families… Layers and Layers and Layers of places where this grief arises and from my experience, it’s not welcomed or understood by others and I am dismissed by parents who seem to think I have a charmed life somehow Without a small person.
The Grief is humbling. It is So visceral, so full, so tangible. I might have on some fancy lipstick and a smile but what is not shown is the yearning heart-breaking ache of a woman who will never know the embodied experience of holding their own baby to their breast.
I find it really interesting to notice all the thoughts and places that are very tender around this topic and after the whole piece about the privilege of creating life and the gifts of that honour that will never be know to me, I grieve the piece also of never being a Grandmother. That grief is Loud. It feels a Double whammy of grief.
There is Such Medicine in allowing Grief to be present, to allow it to visit. To Speak of this grief, to give others the permission to feel their own grief and to maybe begin to share it as well. I think it is important to realise that we are not alone in this, there are SO very many out there who feel this piece and may we find each other and support one another and listen to each other’s stories and offer a hand as the tears fall.