Don’t persistently, continuously swim against the stream, it’s profoundly hard work, it’s ridiculously exhausting, there’s absolutely no ease in there. This life is Not meant for suffering, for efforting quite as much as I have tended to do on a daily basis!
Just STOP Swimming and let the tide carry you a while, Go With it, All of it. Go with the slow stream, the rapids, the waterfalls, the lot. Life has it’s own momentum and something will happen, something will unfold but we just need to get out of the way, Stop even Thinking we are in control of any of this dance! Just let go COMPLETELY.
I was Trying to continue with life, I was Trying to get up each morning, Trying to put on clothes and brush my teeth and get out of the door. I was Trying to go into the workplace, Trying to sit at a desk and function and produce Anything during the day. All the while my body, mind, emotions were experiencing and processing symptoms of Trauma. All I could really do was remember occasionally to breathe and that was about it and here I was being asked why I hadn’t performed various tasks and completed pieces of work and being told I should just “cheer up”! Everything was profoundly overwhelming and I had to STOP swimming, stop Everything.
Why and how I got to that place is not the story. Sure there was a trigger but to be honest, there has been a Lot of Trauma moving through my nervous system over the years and MOST of it is not mine, it just moves through. That’s the thing as well, it moves through. I am not attached to ANY of it. I maybe wouldn’t choose to notice Any of it but it’s what has shown up. I keep remembering the “Four Agreements” and not to make it personal. Just allow and accept the totality without prejudice. Drop the labels, drop the thoughts and beliefs that are associated with the labels.
Sometimes I just Laugh and think goodness me is this yet Another initiation?! How many initiations can someone be given in a lifetime?! But this place that might seem dark, and incredibly awful is actually Incredibly Rich, Fecund, Magical and Sacred and I am OK with the Persephone mythology and archetype and can sit in the dark places. I have Such deep compassion for this place, this experience. Everything showing up Just wants seen and witnessed and not shunned or shamed or turned from. It wants to be sat With and held without forcing it to change or be anything other than it is. I have NEVER been Broken and I Don’t need fixed. This open acceptance allows it to move but there are also times of complete resistance as the intensity goes to new levels.
So Sure, I experience a Lot of ‘symptoms’ at the moment but there’s a Lot going on in the world and the collective is tasting flavours of depression and chaos and all sorts of wild stuff. So Hang in there. ALL of it is OK. KEEP Breathing. Keep Breathing, Keep Breathing.
Every day I am profoundly aware of the presence of Divine. I don’t have words to describe it all but it is HUGE and incredible and Every single day there is Such Love. Wordless, Infinite, Vast, Sacred Love.
No matter what is moving through, no matter what it looks like or feels like, No matter what labels the medical profession or ANY others use, there is LOVE. I am reminded Daily, Hourly and even More frequently that I AM Love. I am Held in that Vibration for Eternity. My heart broke once more in Complete Totality to BE with Even MORE Love. Even in the Intensity of the Pain, the Depth of Love Shocks me in it’s Blinding Brilliance.
THIS is who we ALL are, Always have been. Nothing but LOVE. EVERY Single person and entity. Yes EVEN those who are carrying out acts which appear less than loving – at a quantum level, below their habits and behaviours, they too are Love and just need reminded who they truly are.
Stop Swimming against it all, allow LOVE to carry you in the river. You won’t drown, you’ll be OK. Honestly!!!! Yeah you Might swallow a little water, you might get bashed against a few rocks, a few things Might happen BUT Honestly…. ALL of it is OK. EVERYTHING is Love <3
I leave you with John O'Donohue
May all that is unforgiven in you Be released.
May your fears yield their deepest tranquillities.
May all that is unlived in you Blossom into a future Graced with love.