I Thought it was all a punishment, I Must have done something Bad or Wrong to have So much Trauma and Dis-ease, I must be or have Been Such a Bad person.... No such thing! None of us are punished, none of us are wrong, it may appear like that but we are Loved More than we could Ever know - Ever!
When I've heard that Fibromyalgia has no cure, and things like that, I Don't personally believe that! Maybe that's other people's reality, but it isn't in my belief structure. Right Now, I experience all sorts of symptoms, they come and go and at times affect my life in what I can or can't do. (a Side note is that I remembered an ex had this dis-ease and I wondered if I had taken on any of that? but no, this is my own adventure. For Sure, he offered me an Abundance of Trauma and abuse but this experience is Not his stuff!)
The entire experience has enabled me to slow down to beyond Tortoise speed and get Present with All of it. Really noticing what wants to show up and witnessing it. In the place of not having a job or a relationship to focus on, it's been about the initiation within, the dark material that has hidden silently for so long.
My experience with this Incredible body has been Suppressed/ Repressed material shoved Deep into the body, into the muscle memory and the volume of that causing the miracle of the human form to not find it so easy to carry out it's every day activities. This has been through parents and teachers and society and partners and friends and cultural conditioning, Trying to get me to be a "Good Girl" and be Nice and Quiet and Behave... It's not that they were bad themselves, they were doing the best that they could and didn't know any better and I have compassion for them.
My rage and anger and injustice and Fire wasn't allowed, my NO wasn't allowed, my Raw visceral wild was not allowed, my voice wasn't allowed, my opinion wasn't allowed, my rebel or my warrior wasn't allowed and on..... I was expected to Always be a Good Girl. I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!
I bit my tongue too many times, I kept quiet when things were wrong. When I Did speak up, for example to whistleblow about health and safety concerns at work where I could have died, I was put on discipline for Insubordination - speaking up against my superiors! So it was always - shut up, you are not being heard... Yes, I am very curious about my experience of deafness and the correlation between all of this.
So Now, So much has space to show up material from the deep unconscious to the conscious realms. It's like a Beautiful light keeps shining and illuminating Everything. Taking the situation above with that particular workplace, I was trapped in a deep freeze at minus 27 degrees and had to Keep kicking the door to escape, no one was coming to save me, I Had to do it myself! That trauma of that incident was shut inside me for a Long time and it had been a Terrifying experience for me!
So much has moved through about abusive people, situations, experiences... there's been a Lot of material and I bow to Every single piece!
EVERY Time, I hold it in LOVE. Love is the Highest source of good there is. Love is the most Powerful energy Ever. Love Wins, Love has Won. Nothing can outshine it. Everything is divine perfection, nothing needs fixed, nothing is broken. My experience of my heart has always been trippy and profoundly Vast and somewhat indescribable but the capacity to LOVE whatever arises without labels of good or bad, just witnessing and holding and allowing has been Way beyond Any words!
Sometimes witnessing an old trauma has been enough and it's cleared completely, sometimes it wants to stay a little longer as it has more to say or teach, all of it is OK, it's not that I see something and all of a sudden, I'm completely cool with it, there are always layers.
Right NOW, the next piece has arisen from the unconscious... I finally remember a car crash I was a passenger in. It was a Long time ago and I had pushed it far away into a box and closed the door and locked it, but now I found the rusty key again. I walked away from the car crash but I sustained a whiplash injury and I've had pain in my neck ever since. Yesterday, my body was sore, I asked what was up, what it needed - it was in Such a Huff with me that I had forgotten and not listened and had distracted myself with angels and higher realms rather than Being with the trauma of that crash. I remember it Clearly - driving along a country road, a car was waiting at a junction and came out straight into us, into my side. I remember it in slow motion. I honour this memory, I honour my body, I honour the muscle memory of this incident. If it needs to stay longer and needs more time, that's fine, if it is ready to release, that's also fine. I hold All of it in LOVE.
Whatever arises, I hold it in LOVE.