I have been going through this adventure on my own, no conventional medication, no formal support structures, no counseling, no therapy, no supplements, no bodywork… Just Raw, Vulnerable survival.
I was offered anti depressant medication by my doctor previously and took it for two weeks, it was supposed to be a mild dose with few side effects, I felt Everything and more and felt suicidal. I will never take it again. I think I took it so I can understand from an experiential level what people go through.
I tried to reach out before for talking therapy and the list was closed at the practices I tried because of high levels of demand.
I currently have very little income as I’m not working and I can’t afford yoga classes, supplements and bodywork etc. I saved up a few weeks ago for a massage for a treat on my birthday, this is April and this was the first massage I’ve had this year. Yes, he said my scalp felt like concrete. I don’t have touch in my life so my option is to pay for it and I don’t have the capital to do that so I just go without and I find that very difficult. I cried a Lot afterwards.
Lots of people have known I am struggling with this disease but I just don’t see huge amounts of Love in Action. I don’t see people coming by and making Sure I haven't killed myself, making sure I get outside when I feel so unwell that I struggle to get out of bed. I don’t see many people checking up on me to see how I’m doing and if there’s anything they can do on a practical level or if they are far away on a friendship level. It’s Really Hard when you have depression, anxiety, trauma, panic to reach out to others and say Hey, I really could do with a friend right now. My experience is a bunch of ‘so called’ friends have disappeared completely and just haven’t been in touch for a Long time.
I try to get out and walk in nature but it’s not easy as my experience of chronic pain means my body is Very sore a lot of the time. I usually go out on my own, I feel isolated and lonely and panicky. I rely on public transport so I have to wait around for buses and when I feel chronic exhaustion, that’s not easy. About a month ago I tried to test my edges and did a longer walk and half way I experienced Huge pain. It was in a place I couldn't get a bus and I Had to keep going. My Entire pelvis, lower back and legs have been really suffering since and I thought something had Really happened to my body but I think it's all part of the entire thing.
My experience has been bullying in the workplace for most of my career. I have Many skills and talents but when you feel persistently put down by those in power you begin to believe you are incompetent and a terrible person. My experience has been living in a flat that felt it was in a war zone for a long time with murders and rapes and stabbings in the streets and I used to sleep with white noise in my earphones to try and get some respite. My experience has been relationships I made do with and compromised and in hindsight, I can see the levels of abuse and neglect. And more.
My doctor asked yesterday again if I think about harming myself. Of Course I ‘think’ I am completely useless and worthless and pointless and terrible and a bad person and fat and ugly and and and so why would I want to be on this earth any more. The thing is……
I KNOW all of that is the neurology in my mind. I Clearly see the places that are symptoms of trauma. I might have little external support but my heart Constantly Loves me. No matter What my mind says, no matter how much fear and panic moves through this body, no matter how many tears fall….. My HEART Never Stops Loving me…Ever.
I ask why should I live…. What is my purpose…. Why am I here….. I put my hand on my heart and feel the radiance. THAT. Simply That… It is irrelevant all the rest, all the unresolved, all the tears, all the unknown, all the mystery of what's to come, all the discomfort and pain and suffering and external reflections or lack thereof and and and. No matter WHAT, no matter how my Mind thinks I’m unworthy and unlovable…. My HEART knows better and turns UP the LOVE. It turns up the LOVE beyond Any number on Any dial. I can sit with the Chaos and Know that Everything is Ok.
This is NOT a topic I’d Choose to share and discuss and experience but this is my life. Many people Can’t talk about it for whatever reason, they feel the stigmas of shame and guilt perhaps. The reason I am making art and sharing it in the upcoming exhibition (at Saltire Motorcycles from 12 May) is as a Platform to have a dialogue about mental health. Lets Smash all that nonsense and open up and talk about this stuff. TOO many people are slipping through the net and not feeling seen or heard or getting the support they need and TOO many people are taking their own lives. I am an Empath, I feel the LOT, I always have – it always feels that a Lot of what moves through me is not personal, it’s the collective piece.
EVERY life is Precious, Please please please if you feel you have Any symptoms of mental health challenges, reach out to your doctor or the Samaritans for Help.