There was immediate first response issues that were at the forefront of the trauma awareness, and then additional material and Then we get to the gnarly, raw, dark, prima material.
So much of the piece that emerged through the experience of having suicidal thoughts, was Worthlessness.
There you go! One word and it's Right There. I'll even repeat it to own it and claim it - Worthlessness.
When thoughts looped about why I was even here, I felt constantly pointless, useless and worthless with absolutely No value in any way whatsoever. It Felt real, it felt accurate, it felt truthful - it WASN'T, it Just wasn't. It was about as far from the truth as it gets! But life experience had Convinced me and I could spout examples of how and when and why I was of no value in any field you could choose and never would have worth and on and on!
Just because I'd had an abundance of "interesting" and very growth provoking experiences in the past, doesn't mean anything about my value and worth and it doesn't mean Anything about my future - the rest is still unwritten!
When I rest in the body, there was an experience often of peace but it was all that external comparison, competition, analysis... what person x said about me, what they did or didn't do and what that means, what so and so does/ has... what they've achieved... what some person has done by a certain age, what monetary 'value' they might have... You get the idea and could continue with this theme. The downward spiral.
Just because I exist, I have value, that's it, there. I chose this image of wild flowers as an example as I have no difficulty in seeing Their intrinsic value, even if others see weeds or something to be mown and cut down and destroyed. For when I think about it - the odds of me ever being conceived, of growing within the womb and then being born are so mind blowing that Any person that is born has innate Worth and is pure treasure.
All the expectations that are piled onto us from parents, friends, society and such about what we Should be/ do/ achieve... are junk. To take the next breath is the path of the warrior, it is enough - there alone.
So, for me, this word Worthless is a Core wound right down in there that tries to take me off this planet at times. But the wound doesn't realise that I'm a Warrior and I See it, I See the wound, I make the unconscious, conscious and I Shine the light onto it. The light of the heart which illuminates Everything that is ready to be seen and witnessed.
This feeling or experience of this word "worthlessness" Doesn't need healed or fixed or transmuted or transcended or Any of it. I am more vast than that. I can Allow it to be there in the presence of Love, in the presence of the heart. It can be held.