I wake up softly, gently & slowly.
I notice the warmth of my naked body under the duvet in the quiet house. "Good morning body!" "Thank you for waking up again", I whisper, when it just is never guaranteed my eyelids will open to greet the gift of a new day. I am grateful I get to taste another day. What will This one bring I wonder? Stretching into my body as she comes around from amusing dream time. My hair tickles my shoulder & brushes my face. I hug my belly. This flesh I hated. This part of me I exiled & turned from. This place of disgust & loathing in my mind. This place I judged & scolded & scorned. This place that has been mocked & judged by others. This place that was said to be "disgusting" and "obscene" and "obese". This place that was rejected & ridiculed. This place that was compared to So many others & came of worst. This place of "not good enough". This place of shame & guilt & hurt & sadness & tears, So many tears. This place I used as protection to hide from the world & become invisible. This place I "think" deters & detracts others. This place that was stuffed full of food or distraction so I wouldn't know or see the pain in there. This place of my belly button that I can bare being touched. This place which has mocked me daily with its phantom pregnancy largeness without the gift of a baby. This place I hide & disguise with clothes to pretend it's not there. This place of wobbles & jiggles. This place of marks and wounds and scars. This place of power and creativity. This place of wonder, magic, sweetness, beauty, softness, Sensuality, Sexual power, perfection and utter divinity. I hold you in my arms. I caress you softly, so so softly. Still I sometimes say unkind things to you & judge you harshly, but Right now... I love you- Every cell, molecule, every particle. I can't kiss you but I would if I could. Let my finger tips kiss you. You are me, I am you. You never Need to change, Not to gain anyone's approval or affection or any of it. You do not Need to get smaller, tighter, firmer, fitter. I see you & understand you. I know your stories & your secrets. I caress you as I love you. Teach me how to love you even more. You are More than enough. You are Me. I know how you were revered & worshiped long ago before we all were struck by amnesia. Goddess I see you. I know you. I am you. I bow. 🙏 I Choose me, over and over and over.
I Choose me even when I forget – Just like the rhythm of the waves, I return and I remember and I choose ME again, I come home to me. I am ENOUGH, just as I am, Flawed and Fabulous and All of it. Yesterday I sat once more with the sacred Grandfather Fire. This is my home, the powerful simplicity of sitting with sacred ceremonial Fire. It helps me release and let go of all that no longer serves. This experience for me was Very much about the masculine and my relationship with that energy. It Struck me once more of how I’d always Yearned for love and approval from external sources and how sad and disappointed I’d felt when this desire wasn’t met over and over and over in different ways. How I'd had expectations and they weren't met. I saw how I would always scramble about on the floor looking for Any scraps or crumbs of love, feeling so hungry and being grateful for any tiny morsels, however small. Although I haven’t been in a physically abusive situation I’ve been in Countless mentally or emotionally abusive situations. Time to say NO MORE. I will NOT Tolerate ABUSE any longer. From ANY Source. I’ve been bullied and abused for at least 23 years and I believed the external references so I started to bully myself and say the MOST Vile things to myself that I would NEVER say to another soul. I’ve been on a journey over the past few years to come HOME to myself, to fall deeply in Love with Myself, all the exiled parts, all the imperfect parts, all the flaws, all the shadow stuff, all the wild, all the vulnerable and tender, fierce and fabulous. Integrating Everything, including this harsh, unkind aspect that was bullying myself. I No longer choose to bully Myself and any time old patterns of language crop up, I do my best to catch them and watch it and make a different choice. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Now I cry but they are tears of such soft sweetness as my Own heart Embraces me the way I’ve Always wanted with such Burning Love. Sure I’ve Always wanted this external manifestation of Love from a masculine partner but that has not been my experience to this point. I had to be overlooked, ignored, suppressed, denied, ridiculed, mocked, put down, not chosen, constantly rejected, not desired, not wanted, walked away from……… so Each part would crack my heart open WIDER. All of it, ALL of it, was a gift. I manifested the LOT. Now I choose to consciously manifest a different way, a different life. I have been released from the last relationship and after a few months of diving exceptionally deep with symptoms of grief and depression that took me to a place where I sat with the word “suicide”, I now breathe a sigh of relief. For the past 10 years I was pretty much in a sexless relationship. This taught me that while sex is Really important to me, that it’s not the Only factor in a relationship. I compromised, a LOT, on So many things. I chose ‘safety’ and companionship. But still, there were 10 years of tears and rejection and I took it All on me, thinking I was not enough, not this enough, not that enough, thinking I was all sorts of very horrible things and that I didn’t deserve happiness and I’d never share sweet intimacy with someone as that was for everyone else and I wasn’t allowed that pleasure in my life. It broke my heart Completely. I feel relieved that he finished with me (Cowardly, over the phone!) and I don’t have to face the depth of daily rejection any more. He said I was “too spiritual”, my ex husband said I loved “too much”… I’m not too ANYTHING. I Don’t need to Change for ANYONE. I am Enough, MORE than enough. I am an Incredible soul with a Depth of Love that would fry Many a being with the intensity of Pure Fire. I Don’t NEED Anyone now, Whatsoever! That doesn’t mean I don’t Want Someone, that’s Very different. I am Clear on what I want and what I won’t tolerate, what my boundaries are, what my no is. But First, and ALWAYS. I choose me. I fall in love with ME – Deeply and Passionately, Every part, Every aspect. Nothing excluded, nothing needing fixed or changed as I am not broken, never was. I previously picked men who would enable lifetimes worth of growth through tears and pain and NOW I Choose ME. I tried to get on with life, I tried to do my best to be ‘normal’ and function as I thought was expected and how I "should" try and be and conform.....
Don’t persistently, continuously swim against the stream, it’s profoundly hard work, it’s ridiculously exhausting, there’s absolutely no ease in there. This life is Not meant for suffering, for efforting quite as much as I have tended to do on a daily basis! Just STOP Swimming and let the tide carry you a while, Go With it, All of it. Go with the slow stream, the rapids, the waterfalls, the lot. Life has it’s own momentum and something will happen, something will unfold but we just need to get out of the way, Stop even Thinking we are in control of any of this dance! Just let go COMPLETELY. I was Trying to continue with life, I was Trying to get up each morning, Trying to put on clothes and brush my teeth and get out of the door. I was Trying to go into the workplace, Trying to sit at a desk and function and produce Anything during the day. All the while my body, mind, emotions were experiencing and processing symptoms of Trauma. All I could really do was remember occasionally to breathe and that was about it and here I was being asked why I hadn’t performed various tasks and completed pieces of work and being told I should just “cheer up”! Everything was profoundly overwhelming and I had to STOP swimming, stop Everything. Why and how I got to that place is not the story. Sure there was a trigger but to be honest, there has been a Lot of Trauma moving through my nervous system over the years and MOST of it is not mine, it just moves through. That’s the thing as well, it moves through. I am not attached to ANY of it. I maybe wouldn’t choose to notice Any of it but it’s what has shown up. I keep remembering the “Four Agreements” and not to make it personal. Just allow and accept the totality without prejudice. Drop the labels, drop the thoughts and beliefs that are associated with the labels. Sometimes I just Laugh and think goodness me is this yet Another initiation?! How many initiations can someone be given in a lifetime?! But this place that might seem dark, and incredibly awful is actually Incredibly Rich, Fecund, Magical and Sacred and I am OK with the Persephone mythology and archetype and can sit in the dark places. I have Such deep compassion for this place, this experience. Everything showing up Just wants seen and witnessed and not shunned or shamed or turned from. It wants to be sat With and held without forcing it to change or be anything other than it is. I have NEVER been Broken and I Don’t need fixed. This open acceptance allows it to move but there are also times of complete resistance as the intensity goes to new levels. So Sure, I experience a Lot of ‘symptoms’ at the moment but there’s a Lot going on in the world and the collective is tasting flavours of depression and chaos and all sorts of wild stuff. So Hang in there. ALL of it is OK. KEEP Breathing. Keep Breathing, Keep Breathing. Every day I am profoundly aware of the presence of Divine. I don’t have words to describe it all but it is HUGE and incredible and Every single day there is Such Love. Wordless, Infinite, Vast, Sacred Love. No matter what is moving through, no matter what it looks like or feels like, No matter what labels the medical profession or ANY others use, there is LOVE. I am reminded Daily, Hourly and even More frequently that I AM Love. I am Held in that Vibration for Eternity. My heart broke once more in Complete Totality to BE with Even MORE Love. Even in the Intensity of the Pain, the Depth of Love Shocks me in it’s Blinding Brilliance. THIS is who we ALL are, Always have been. Nothing but LOVE. EVERY Single person and entity. Yes EVEN those who are carrying out acts which appear less than loving – at a quantum level, below their habits and behaviours, they too are Love and just need reminded who they truly are. Stop Swimming against it all, allow LOVE to carry you in the river. You won’t drown, you’ll be OK. Honestly!!!! Yeah you Might swallow a little water, you might get bashed against a few rocks, a few things Might happen BUT Honestly…. ALL of it is OK. EVERYTHING is Love <3 I leave you with John O'Donohue May all that is unforgiven in you Be released. May your fears yield their deepest tranquillities. May all that is unlived in you Blossom into a future Graced with love. When Life feels all a bit crazy and the colour maybe starts to fade, turn to gratitude. Start listing, start counting, start naming and see what happens....
When the fun and play seems to evaporate and the smile goes into hiding turn to face gratitude and rest deeply into it. When pain is common and ease seems so far, get grateful for Everything, yes EVEN the aspects that to the mind seem less than pleasurable at the time, Even them for They are Such wise, incredible teachers. Gratitude is very powerful and humbling. I am Grateful, Deeply and Profoundly for Absolutely Everything. I wouldn’t have missed a Second of Any of this dance, Every molecule has been Perfect to lead me to THIS moment, resting Here, just Being. My life has never looked like a straight path from A to B. There’s been red herrings and blind alleys and retracing my steps again but on it goes and it is all Amazing, Never a mistake, never an error. There is Magic in EVERYTHING that is offered, no matter How it appears. It’s All incredible and beautiful and full of wonder and such growth. I bow to the totality. Once I Start naming that which I am grateful for it flows and flows, there is So much. This is where the Abundance starts to flow back in again as well. But what happens, if life is deeply intense and you don’t feel grateful for much at all and it seems a completely alien concept, where could you even begin to touch gratitude? Get Close to yourself - what about your breath? What about the in breath, the pause and the outbreath? If that is not the Most Delicious Sacred Sweetness, then I don’t know what is. Right there, there is magic. Magic is offered in the birth and death in one simple conscious breath, the breath that we take for granted every day. Watch it, notice it. It Doesn’t matter how long or short it is, how full it is, it is magnificent and perfect. Stay there, just rest with That. It’s enough for the rest of your life and it will be your guide. When things get crazy, return to That simplicity of just noticing the breath. Sure there are Many practices and techniques and they are incredible but the Simple act of watching is enough. Don’t make it ANY more complicated than That. Don’t add in layers and layers of procedures and techniques. Strip them All away and just notice. There is Such Sweetness in Simplicity and there you may tumble into Gratitude and it may flow like sweet rivers. In its own way and time and pace and way. Don’t be like Anyone elses river, be your Own, let the flow be your own, for it is perfect. Gratitude will steer you and show you richer, deeper treasures along the way but if you are lost and confused at any point, return to the breath and count your blessings. And Rest. Rest rest rest. Everything else will take care of itself in it’s own sweet time. Om Shanti. Of course my preference is to be pain free, to be at ease, to be soft and open and flowing and full of joy and bliss and ecstasy and pleasure and radiance and all these types of labels. But to turn from the rest of this human experience is missing a trick.
To ONLY accept the good aspects and shun or turn the rest of the rainbow is not real or authentic. ANY resistance to Anything will bring suffering. I saw that Buddhist Proverb - “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”. Yes I tend to agree and understand. I experience pain, I experience a Whole Bunch of pain not through any particular labelled physical condition other than being in this human body suit this time around and experiencing all that has to offer. I experience pain in different ways and from different sources. As an empath I notice how I have frequently experienced other people’s pain but it can be wider than even that and can include the Intensity of the pain body of the collective Feminine or even the pain body of the Earth Herself and yes that can be exceptionally overwhelming if I don’t bring conscious presence and awareness and keep surrendering continuously. Last year I had a reading from Channelling Love. (http://channellinglove.com) This is a tiny segment from that reading which made such sense to me. It is Still with me and healing and teaching me and unfurling: "Look up to the stars at night and know that your home reaches out to you from a star that is yet unknown to your earthly family. A star that is of light... a star that is of the highest vibration... and a star that is of a Love that is yet unknown to many on your planet at this time. This is the Love that you feel moving through you. This is the Love that causes healing that is seen as pain and trauma by unknowing minds... but is of the highest source of life. You have the courage to face this. You have this flowing through you. You have the insight and courage to face this death of illusion, so that you may bring yourself home to you." Today the physical pain in my body was WILDLY Intense and so Shockingly profound I Just wanted to turn from it Completely. I was sitting in a meeting and it was like being underneath the water in a swimming pool and all the voices became distorted as they discussed the joys of finance as a wave of pain swallowed me whole. I Didn’t accept it, I wanted to be immediately pain free, I wanted to reach instantly for Any kind of Strong pain killers, I wanted it to look and be and feel different to what was happening in that Alive, very alive moment. I felt angry and resentful at this pain, and watched a level of self violence and an abandonment of this unwanted sensation that was present in my body and was asking to be allowed and held in that moment. I am not this pain, it is not my identity, there has been the presence of pain but it is not me, it is not mine. There is no separation, there is not a better than and worse than place, there is just what is present in this moment. Everything is a flavour of the Divine, Everything is an expression of Love. I do not have attachment to the pain right now, pain may come, pain may go I don’t have to be frightened of it or dismiss it or run from it. I certainly don't have to let my creative mind get in the way and start dreaming up all sorts of diagnosis about what labels I could attach to it. It is an opportunity to get intimate with any dis-ease, to allow it space and hold it without any expectations. I don’t need to transform it or transmute it or even heal it. I just have to allow it to be exactly as it is. I drop Even the label of pain itself and gently notice the flavours and textures and dances that are expressing in their own miraculous way. The experience asked for presence and witnessing and tonight I am stopping and allowing and resting and noticing and being with all that is. Right now there is an experience of Freedom in allowing it to look and be exactly as it is with no preference. Right now All is Well. (And it is Important to say, before I end that I Agree with conventional medicine where it is required. I don’t Just go off in my many beautiful “Healing Temples” with Star Beings and Nature Spirits and Merlin Vortex Healing and much much more very amazing stuff! I actually phoned for an appointment to get checked out but I am waiting a further 5 days before there's availability - this is the UK National Health Service after all! If this experience of discomfort is still wild and intense in the morning I will not just put up with it and soldier on but will ask for a more immediate appointment.) Picture of the Andes in Colombia – now That's healing for me, THAT makes me Smile - I can hear the earth humming and the birds singing! Aho! <3 Sure it’s easy for me to write that but to feel it and know it and really dive into and to live it, Hmmm – that’s an on-going dance! THIS is the practice!
These words have come at me from a few angles including through my meditation practice over the last 6 or so years. It recently came up again on retreat in Colombia as we explored the 4 Agreements:
The taking it personally bit pushes my buttons and really invites so very many mirrors into my life to really light up where I tend to take things WAY to personally and experience a lot of discomfort and suffering as a result. It lights up my abundant and acute sensitivities and vulnerabilities. I Love being in solitude out in nature and so very often I feel I would be so happy to opt out and live in nature away from it all but THIS life invites living in a city center and a Lot of relating with so very many other souls of so many flavours along the spectrum and that dance is so completely fascinating. I am incredibly grateful to all these Incredible teachers for the rich medicine they offer for my awareness and continual growth. And then sometimes I do actually remember NOT to take it personally, It’s Such a relief! Such a sense of everything Diffusing and once more I can laugh at myself and Any situation again and not to take it all so seriously! Humour is the Absolute KEY to this entire life! I can still notice what is going on and even if there is something that is juicily trying to hook me and is doing a good job with the abundance of attempts to trip me I can choose to root deeper into these words of not taking it personally and just be with all the energies expressing without judgement or labeling anything. I can’t stop other people’s behaviour or change it. And of course I cannot make assumptions about Why anyone says what they do, or why they act like they do or what’s going on in their minds and lives. Everything just is as it is and my job is to do my best to witness and not react with my unconscious programming and beliefs but to STOP and notice and breathe and BE. I choose to act and live from the SILENCE as often as I remember (and when I forget, to Return to that familiar experience). Acting from the Silence is becoming more and more and more of a familiar experience every day but it requires courage, tenacity and dedicated Devotion to practice. I choose to stay rooted and grounded and get more humble. Keep down low to the ground and just do my own thing. Let everyone else do their thing, let them thrash and wail and dance in drama and any wild emotions that move through. Let them point accusations and insults and fire arrows. Let it all come, ALL of it. You are not going to stop all the flow of this in life but you have a choice on how you respond. And YES I utterly know and see how and when I do EXACTLY all that drama dance myself and when and how my Volcano erupts! It is irrelevant how abundant and juicy the worms get on the end of those hooks. I keep feeling Everything in my body and keep letting go – over and over and over. Keep surrendering it all up, holding nothing. I just do my best and keep standing up again and again after pulling all the arrows and spears out. Keep rising like a Phoenix after Every Single burning, Even More Glorious. Just remember - It’s Not Personal! How do you re-enter the world after such an incredible, profound, deep and sacred trip of a lifetime?
How do you move back into the routine patterns and rhythms and textures of life and all the re-connections with people and places? This re-entering process is teaching me to be extremely careful and Incredibly slow and Very Very Very softly gentle. It could Easy have potential to deeply shock my system if I am not aware. Even the contrast with the 34 degree drop in temperature was initially Very shocking. Yes, there is So very much to share about this exceptional Colombian Sound retreat with Anthar Kharana (http://www.tribalsoundhealingretreat.com). Yes it would be lovely to catch up with friends and share stories but it is important for me to really drop deep to allow the integration of so very much. Integration is KEY. Sometimes I think people skip that step but I can’t as I understand the medicine of this allowing. These few weeks were no ‘holiday’ but a depth of soul healing I had no clue about before I went, the land gave me So very much let alone everything else that we did. It is crucial to allow space and time for all of it to weave through and all the rich abundant medicine and wisdom to land thoroughly and completely. To deeply and slowly ground and to allow the energy and the teachings to continue to dance in their own rhythm unveiling more and more insights all the time. It has been interesting in the past few days to watch the mind and notice no separation. As I returned to work, I can be in my corporate job and still feel the incredible hummingbirds with me. I can have my boss ask for many tasks to be completed and hear the sound of the drum and the crackle of the fire and the dance of the ocean and the melodies of the abundant, vibrant jungle birds and all the strange insects. I can feel the Elders with me and the medicines and the ceremonies. I can do what I am asked to do and Still be in ceremony, still walking my path of Pagamento. There is not one place that is divine and another not, there is not one place that is sacred and not another. There is no separation between the sacred Mountain in the Sierra Nevada Santa Marta in the ancient ‘Heart of the Earth' sitting with a Kogi Elder and then sitting in the heart of the machine with 1,000 other souls, it is what I carry with me and is in my blood. I am in deep surrendered trusting Devotion and my abundant heart is aflame with a depth of love that takes me humbly to my knees with it’s beauty. Now the dance really begins…. one… step… at… a… time…. Look, notice and then step… Softly and gently… No rush, no comparison with ANYONE else… Walking my path, my way, every single day… |
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April 2021
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