I Choose me, over and over and over.
I Choose me even when I forget – Just like the rhythm of the waves, I return and I remember and I choose ME again, I come home to me. I am ENOUGH, just as I am, Flawed and Fabulous and All of it. Yesterday I sat once more with the sacred Grandfather Fire. This is my home, the powerful simplicity of sitting with sacred ceremonial Fire. It helps me release and let go of all that no longer serves. This experience for me was Very much about the masculine and my relationship with that energy. It Struck me once more of how I’d always Yearned for love and approval from external sources and how sad and disappointed I’d felt when this desire wasn’t met over and over and over in different ways. How I'd had expectations and they weren't met. I saw how I would always scramble about on the floor looking for Any scraps or crumbs of love, feeling so hungry and being grateful for any tiny morsels, however small. Although I haven’t been in a physically abusive situation I’ve been in Countless mentally or emotionally abusive situations. Time to say NO MORE. I will NOT Tolerate ABUSE any longer. From ANY Source. I’ve been bullied and abused for at least 23 years and I believed the external references so I started to bully myself and say the MOST Vile things to myself that I would NEVER say to another soul. I’ve been on a journey over the past few years to come HOME to myself, to fall deeply in Love with Myself, all the exiled parts, all the imperfect parts, all the flaws, all the shadow stuff, all the wild, all the vulnerable and tender, fierce and fabulous. Integrating Everything, including this harsh, unkind aspect that was bullying myself. I No longer choose to bully Myself and any time old patterns of language crop up, I do my best to catch them and watch it and make a different choice. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Now I cry but they are tears of such soft sweetness as my Own heart Embraces me the way I’ve Always wanted with such Burning Love. Sure I’ve Always wanted this external manifestation of Love from a masculine partner but that has not been my experience to this point. I had to be overlooked, ignored, suppressed, denied, ridiculed, mocked, put down, not chosen, constantly rejected, not desired, not wanted, walked away from……… so Each part would crack my heart open WIDER. All of it, ALL of it, was a gift. I manifested the LOT. Now I choose to consciously manifest a different way, a different life. I have been released from the last relationship and after a few months of diving exceptionally deep with symptoms of grief and depression that took me to a place where I sat with the word “suicide”, I now breathe a sigh of relief. For the past 10 years I was pretty much in a sexless relationship. This taught me that while sex is Really important to me, that it’s not the Only factor in a relationship. I compromised, a LOT, on So many things. I chose ‘safety’ and companionship. But still, there were 10 years of tears and rejection and I took it All on me, thinking I was not enough, not this enough, not that enough, thinking I was all sorts of very horrible things and that I didn’t deserve happiness and I’d never share sweet intimacy with someone as that was for everyone else and I wasn’t allowed that pleasure in my life. It broke my heart Completely. I feel relieved that he finished with me (Cowardly, over the phone!) and I don’t have to face the depth of daily rejection any more. He said I was “too spiritual”, my ex husband said I loved “too much”… I’m not too ANYTHING. I Don’t need to Change for ANYONE. I am Enough, MORE than enough. I am an Incredible soul with a Depth of Love that would fry Many a being with the intensity of Pure Fire. I Don’t NEED Anyone now, Whatsoever! That doesn’t mean I don’t Want Someone, that’s Very different. I am Clear on what I want and what I won’t tolerate, what my boundaries are, what my no is. But First, and ALWAYS. I choose me. I fall in love with ME – Deeply and Passionately, Every part, Every aspect. Nothing excluded, nothing needing fixed or changed as I am not broken, never was. I previously picked men who would enable lifetimes worth of growth through tears and pain and NOW I Choose ME. It’s Crazy season in Edinburgh as the whole city is Full of Festival capers for the whole month. My partner is a professional musician and he is playing in 2 different shows in the Festival Fringe. Tonight he is playing 4 different instruments (2 saxophones, clarinet and flute) in a musical called “Honk” that’s based on the story of the Ugly Duckling.
The vibration of this incredible creature been weaving through me today even before I go. You know the song right: There once was an ugly duckling With feathers all stubby and brown And the other birds in so many words said Get out of town, get out, get out, get out of town And he went with a quack And a waddle and a quack In a flurry of eiderdown That poor little ugly duckling Went wandering far and near And at every place they said to his face Now get out of here, get out, get out, get out of here And he went with a quack And a waddle and a quack And a very unhappy tear…… Well, It seems when I heard this when I was really little, something about this story somehow went Right deep into me. I identified with this little “ugly duckling” way too much and took on that persona and it stuck! I believed I was somehow less than and began to feel separate from the experience of Love I had in the womb as I grew in the perfection of nature with no interference. I felt so very different and separate from everyone and I just wanted to be a part of the adventures and play with everyone. And so I began to develop a Whole series of beliefs about all these ways I was "not……enough”. I could write for days and weeks about what all the dots could stand for but they stand for a LOT of things basically! I didn’t see my Divine beauty, I thought and believed I was Ugly in So very many ways, in the totality of who and what I was from the way I looked to the way I sounded, I everything that went into making me who I am. I compared myself to Everyone and every single time I put myself at the Very bottom of the heap, I would find Something in which the other person was better than me and therefore I was not deserving of love and I only caused myself incredible deep suffering. I believed if Only I could do X,Y or Z THEN I would be ok and people would Love me, people would give me this external expression of love and validation I craved and then everything would be ok. However, life just Kept offering me people and situations that rejected me and enhanced my not….enough lies that I had created. I couldn’t see the illusions and thought all of this was Real and I didn’t understand how and why I was seemingly rejected so often. I couldn’t see that I was NEVER rejected by the Universe, I was NEVER rejected by the True, Divine experience of LOVE. I was Always Loved, Always held. I was So Very far from Ugly - Period. But my filters and perceptions and beliefs somehow prevented me from experiencing that Truth and I felt this Gaping hole in my heart that Only appeared to grow bigger as I tried to fix it or heal it. I am now 42 and since that little girl heard the story of the Ugly Duckling, the journey back to my experience of Incredible Divine Love has been long and convoluted and challenging with so very many twists and turns – it’s taken a ridiculous amount of books and workshops and and teachers and practices and time and effort. I am human and yup, I see where I Still crave love and attention from external sources but Actually my experience is in falling in love with myself and healing and mending and caring for and nourishing myself and connecting deeper and deeper to the Divine and experiencing Love that Only ever unveils itself in More. THIS experience of Pure Love from Source is what the sore aching place in my heart wanted and tried to find in other ways. What’s the end of the story? Did the “ugly duckling” ever realise she really is actually a Swan? Well I guess it’s very much an ongoing adventure.... My daily experience is generally of seeing the Extreme Magic in this Divine creation that “God Loved So much that She couldn’t resist the urge to create”. I generally want to kiss Every single molecule in my being. I have times when I trip out on the MAGIC of creation and how do these fingers fly to type these words, how does my heart know how to beat, how does the hairs on my skin prickle when I hear music….. What is Not perfection? What is not beauty? What is not So incredible that it could move me to tears? And then there are of course Many times that I Forget this truth of divine perfection and the old habits come in with old unhelpful labels and vibrations that try and lower me BUT I see these old traps quicker and faster and I can Choose to return to my experience of the truth of radiant living. And yes, Even now I Still regularly experience the external world offer me so very much rejection as it tries it’s best to push me and test me and sometimes the tears still flow. I know there will Always be people and situations that will turn from the limitless LOVE that I bring and offer but I bring it anyway, I can not hide this expression, I can not stop. I experience the Truth that I was NEVER an “Ugly” duckling or ugly anything, None of us are. NONE of us! Even the label of Swan is too limited. There are No labels, no solid definitions to explain it, just this Limitless Roar of LOVE…….. (Photo I took years ago that I Love!) |
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April 2021
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