My body called for connection to Ixcacao. I have been working with Ixcacao for a while and I use Cacao as a sacred plant medicine in my personal practice. I take it as a drink and today I added sweet dark cherries and a tiny bit of rose as well as some agave syrup as I find it Incredibly bitter and challenging to take often without sweetness. Cacao teaches me so very much and opens me widely.
A message popped up from a deer friend with a video and I felt pulled to check it out. Immediately the tears fell down my face and didn’t stop the entire 40 or so minutes, I could Barely see the screen through the tears. I have rarely resonated so Completely with talk like this, it touched me Beyond words, it touched the deep depths. Every SINGLE vibration shared got me and I heard this like never before. I listened to it again immediately.
This Entire year has been about my Soul unleashing in All my terrified, trembling, Imperfection and it’s been part of the Biggest ride of my life and I wouldn’t change a Second for All the world. I am Finally realising and accepting and owning how Incredible and Magnificent and Powerful and Incredibly vulnerable I am. I am Full of tears and fears and absolutely full of mucked up, messed up craziness but it is Sublime and Beautifully Exquisite and it is ALL of me! Yes I AM a Walkin soul, Yes that comes with some adventures that I never counted on growing up and some deep Karmic clearing, yes I accept the Entire adventure!
I am LOVING this blog adventure and sharing my Soul vibration and expression as growing up I was told to keep quiet, be good….. I was Incredibly shy and Freaked out in Complete fear if I was ever asked to read anything out loud in class. I felt my voice sounded awful, I hated it, I thought I was Stupid, the words scrambled on the page and tripped me and stumbled me and got caught in my throat. I thought I had Nothing to say, my thoughts and views and opinions had No merit at all. I felt like a failure, I felt so much competition.No one cared about Anything that came out my voice. I thought Everyone hated me. I wasn’t popular, didn’t have loads of friends, but I said the right things to fit in where I could. I was an average student, I hid, I was invisible. I did whatever I could to be small, I never wanted any fuss or limelight. I even literally hid behind my parents when we wet visiting people. I was timid and scared. There was a Lot of "tall poppy syndrome" where I felt Incredibly threatedned with the thought of sticking my head above the parapet for fear of attach and being chopped off so I didn't. I certainly would Never sing or make tunes in public although that’s All I wanted to do, I wanted to dance and twirl and I was trapped deep in fear. I didn’t fit it, I Never have.
Privately, growing up, I was taught to connect to the fairies, pond dip, and learn the names of trees and the wilderness of Scotland but school trained me to sit down, shut up and not value my soul truth. I began Ballet at 2 and this was movement but it was Very controlled and contained and very disciplined. I Never understood maths, I wanted the teachings of the melody of the streams and I didn’t understand the black lines on the white pages of Most of my textbooks.
My Soul was Never the words taught in mainstream schooling or teaching, she was ALWAYS a free bird, she Always flew with the nature spirits and the trees and mountains and streams, she has Always been a dreamer a dancer a mystic and healer, She is the most Blinding Bright Sacred light, sometimes too bright to look at directly. She twirls barefoot and giggles wildly with a Ridiculously mischievous, rascally, playful, rebellious, filthy mind, she caresses like soft soft snow, barely there and so profound. She is Wild and free and The most Bonkers Lover and friend.
Even when I started work I came across the Patriarchal control mechanisms trying to suppress me. I was incredibly bullied in my first ever job by a man who was terrified of my feminine quality and tried to destroy me completely. He Failed and I survived a horrible experience but I will Never be bullied again. I was treated terribly by my husband and that taught me that I no longer need to choose a man who will dishonour me! So Very many have tried to contain and control me, I will no longer be contained. I AM Unleashed.
As I grew and discovered my life, my mum could see my power and she Always said that the world wasn’t ready for me. She meant this kindly but I took it to heart and continued to hide although I had So very much to share and give.
Now with so very many years of deep personal practice, I am at complete peace with All I am. I don’t Care what people think. Yeah I am Really not polished and perfect, yes I swear a Lot and can be Very base and crude. I am Passionate about the sacred act of Play and exploring. All this blog is exploring, I truly don’t care if it reaches a tiny number or no one at all or loads of people, this is just me Roaring, I need to roar, my love needs to roar. I get it that Not everyone likes me, or gets it or relates to it – So what!
I resonated with this video mentioning past lives, I have been scared of being attacked Again for speaking my Soul truth. I have glimpsed Very Very many of my past lives and sadly, I seem to glimpse ones where I have died Really horrifically - I have been poisoned, had my head chopped off, I have been garotted, I have had my tongue ripped out, I have had Many Many spears and swords in my body and through my neck, I have been burned quite a few times, I have been tortured and raped and a bunch of times when I have been a leader I have been made to watch my loved ones and community murdered. Nice huh!!! I have been healing SO very much of this and it’s got to the point where I can sit to meditate without this Huge block in my throat that’s like barbed wire and sticks and mud and grot and detritus. I remember the game Kerplunk from my childhood and I have been pulling out Every stick, spear, Sword and Everything so All the energy can flow and move. I can remember all those experiences like a movie now without buying into and deeply feeling and experiencing the grief, pain, suffering and horror.
This year has carried the word Grace and the teaching has been amazing. I LOVE my throat so Very much, I Love how she moves, I love how she expresses, I love how she sounds, I Love how she sings, I Love the words that fall out of her.
My Soul IS unleashing through this female form in all it’s shaky craziness and imperfect perfection. I AM a transmission of the sacred Divine Feminine and this Blows my mind.
As we liberate individually, we liberate collectively, not only Now but through All timelines and dimensions. We are All in this together. We are all affected by the treatment of the Feminine and it is time for the Goddess to be deeply honoured. I bow to All my Sisters. How can we serve for the highest good, how can I Give more and more and more? What a powerful, brave, courageous life long path we are on, Let’s all support and help each other.
"Dare to speak Goddess not English"!!!
BRING IT ON!!!
Aho!
(If you listen to 1 bit, Please listen to The Thunder Perfect Mind at 35.22 and feel these words)