I had No plans, which felt So weird. I felt the Massive Massive resistance to space and an opening in time. I wanted to fill every inch and my mind dreamt up countless ways of filling every second.
This was not my dance today. My dance was surrender into empty nothing. A day to get Empty, quiet and super Still.
I didn’t want to face this stopping, I wanted to turn away and I resisted the process and battled before the energy of ruthless compassion stepped in and enveloped me and took me over. It initially felt that the silence was too big, vast, infinite and I am too used to the distracting noises of life. I didn’t want to see how very tired and exhausted I am and how I need to rest so Very much. There were too many distractions to grab my attention and stop me looking at what was Right in front of me.
· I tried to do some ‘homework’ that I need to return to someone but I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think as I just watched the clock pass.
· I thought I was hungry and felt distracted to eat lots of things when in fact my body wants nothing today, it’s ok not to eat all the time, there’s nothing that I actually want.
· I watched the guilt as my household chores lay abandoned and undone and how I’d possible feel ‘better’ if I just did all my cleaning and continued my dejunking process but my body wouldn’t co-operate and it was all way too much.
· I tried to listen to music but Even that distracted me and pulled me in multiple scattered directions. I need silence today.
· As is often the case, I got distracted with social media for a while but even that bored me.
· I sent someone a message to see if they wanted to go out for a walk but actually luckily they didn’t reply and I actually realized that I don’t want any company at all today, I need solitude and lots of it. Usually nature calls me and it's a lovely day but I don't want to be out around other people and all that energy.
The void kept drawing me in and the silence was calling louder and louder until I listened and surrendered.
All I could do was pour a deep bath and climb in. Water feels like home, possibly the memory of the fluid in the womb, I really don’t know. I can’t get enough of water and it soothes me. The warmth held me and the tears plummeted as they often do, no story or drama as such, it was just a vibration, an energy moving, I didn’t hold back or suppress Anything. I am quite a sensitive soul and there's Another Supermoon on the horrizon so I know I am picking up some of this energy.
Tears are my truth, the no hiding, open, vulnerable, mask off truth…. And then they to pass. Nothing stays, nothing lasts, Even when it feels like I’ll be stuck in this vibration Forever, even when it is so draining and uncomfortable. I don’t push it away. My main Mantra throughout my life has been ‘This Too Will Pass”.
Throughout Everything, however it feels, there is Always Always Always the background context that I consistently experience of a bigger sense of Unconditional Love.
Absolutely Everything that I ‘think’ needs done Will still get done in it’s own sweet time, perhaps not right this second but Everything will unfold Exactly as it is supposed to without me worrying about Any of it.
Until then I dive into being held by the black void of totality and give myself the radical rest I crave.