WOW!! Do you have ANY Clue how Hard it is to say That publicly with All the Immense Shame I feel about it! I have Never thought I’ve had any eating disorder as I’m not anorexic and I don’t make myself sick after eating. Therefore, I have Always thought I’m Just a Horrible, Bad, Lazy, Greedy, Fat Pig with low self esteem and a negative body image and if I JUST got off my fat ass and Did something …
Actually, there’s More to the story. ALWAYS more huh!
I was a Ballet dancer, I had a ballet dancers physique. I didn’t feel Safe with the amount of attention I got from men as a young woman. I wasn’t attacked but I heard the comments and saw the looks and felt very vulnerable a lot. I didn’t have a strategy to feel strong and confident and look after myself. When I was at University, there was a lovely woman in my class who had Anorexia and she sadly passed away. I was Very shocked and I think I then subconsciously felt it wasn’t safe to be skinny and began a journey from Then not to be skinny as a protection mechanism.
Growing up, my mum went to Weight Watchers and was always dieting and I subconsciously learnt a lot of unhealthy habits at home, about body confidence and secretive emotional eating. My mum was a big one of sneaking down at night and eating food and thinking no one knew or eating My Easter Egg and pretending she hadn’t…
Of course like most of us, I did ALL the diets, all the programs, all the classes, I went to Weight Watchers, Scottish Slimmers… You name it, I did it. My weight went up and down. NOTHING was addressing the Core issue of WHY I was eating, it was Always about Just loose weight and Everyone will say “oh you are looking great” and I will get approval and attention and love externally. It was Always about the number of pounds I’d lost.
I Still feel pressure ALL the time to DO Something, to Loose weight. I feel it a LOT from my parents who are both overweight. I feel it from society a Lot. I have had people say ALL sorts of very Unkind things to me. I’ve had people say things like, they would have sex with me if I was a bit thinner - ermmmm how about NEVER with someone like That!! I feel the pressure from Everywhere but Particularly from within that I’m VERY much Not good enough. I hear this stuff All the time that I Just need to get motivated, I just need to be disciplined and not be so lazy…
When I got married I was a size 18/20. I felt Incredible, I felt Amazing, I felt Sunning and Very Beautiful. My Aunty made an Unkind comment about my size on the day and I heard about it - I was Completely Devastated, Deflated and Gutted. I wanted to have a baby with that person but it didn’t happen and I felt a lot of grief about that. I Tried to loose weight all the time when I was married but he was not interested in helping me, he wouldn’t go walking or dancing with me, he would rather go running with a woman he had sex with.
When I found out and threw him out, I was on my own for 4 years. No matter what I did, where I went, what I thought, what my size was… no one was interested, I had ZERO dates.
Eventually someone asked me out and I was SO excited that SOMEONE liked me, I was hungry for ANY crumbs of affection and that’s what I got. After a few months together, the intimacy stopped Completely. I tried Everything. Nothing worked. He wouldn’t talk about it, he wouldn’t seek help about it, he was Very aggressive with me if I dared to mention it. I felt Constantly rejected and neglected - Daily. I felt it was My fault Completely, It Had to be, I was Obviously Such a terrible person. I Vividly remember him saying I looked Obscene – it was his tone, his look, his energy – he meant it – I Never forgot that moment. I cried a LOT, I cried myself to sleep a LOT. I wanted desperately to be a mother and he didn’t even want to touch me. I stayed because I thought No one else would want me or put up with me and this was the best that I could do so I compromised Completely and just put up with it, even though I felt neglected. Most of the time I felt Sad but the external world saw a woman they called Sparkle. I ate whatever I could get my hands on.
For the past few years I have been doing All sorts to fall in love with myself and accept myself Exactly as I am and do some Very deep healing work. Generally, I do understand what an Incredible being I AM BUT it’s Not consistent and it's a Daily practice. When I’m around other people, I Still feel fat and wrong and bad and not enough and shameful and terrible and want to hide and not be around people most of the time.
It has been 1 year today that I have been on my own. It was amazing that he didn’t even have the Basic Decency to speak to my face, he took his stuff, ran back to his mummy and phoned me to end 10 years, he never gave me an explanation. In this past year I have seen the Abuse and Neglect over the 10 years and I have been Shocked and Saddened that I put myself through SO very much and didn’t get out sooner. I feel Absolute Enormous grief that I now feel too old to have a baby and I feel a LOT of Anger about that.
I have been off work for a year with depression/ anxiety/ panic attacks/ chronic pain/ chronic Exhaustion. But Really…. All this has been going on for YEARS. Along with using food as a drug, using it as a tool, using it as a crutch. I overeat, I eat to fill a void that can never be filled, I eat to avoid being with the devastating Grief and Pain and Discomfort within me. I eat to hide from the world and become invisible. I eat to give myself something to be abusive about and beat myself up about. I am addicted to sugar. I feel a Lot of shame and guilt and all sorts about the way I look. I feel comparison with SO very many people I Think have their lives all sorted and have these perfect instagram existences (when really all I see is what the present – Anything could be going on!)
I am at the BEGINNING of the journey of accepting and recognising that I have a challenging relationship with food and my body. Along with the difficulties I’ve gone through with Depression, I KNOW all this is for a Reason and perhaps it is to help others, and to break down Stigma and Taboo.
I think that it is SO IMPORTANT that we all talk about this stuff, no matter how unpalatable. It is important for us to Share our stories and to celebrate what we have Survived to this point.
It’s important to have empathy for people, to not judge or shame them or look down your noses. It takes Absolute Supreme COURAGE to be open and honest and talk about this and I Salute Anyone else going through these adventures.
(I include this picture of Jabba as THAT is how I’ve seen myself but WAY worse, Way Way Way Way Way Worse…. SO I make Friends with Jabba, not pushing away but Holding it All.)