I Choose me even when I forget – Just like the rhythm of the waves, I return and I remember and I choose ME again, I come home to me.
I am ENOUGH, just as I am, Flawed and Fabulous and All of it.
Yesterday I sat once more with the sacred Grandfather Fire. This is my home, the powerful simplicity of sitting with sacred ceremonial Fire. It helps me release and let go of all that no longer serves.
This experience for me was Very much about the masculine and my relationship with that energy. It Struck me once more of how I’d always Yearned for love and approval from external sources and how sad and disappointed I’d felt when this desire wasn’t met over and over and over in different ways. How I'd had expectations and they weren't met. I saw how I would always scramble about on the floor looking for Any scraps or crumbs of love, feeling so hungry and being grateful for any tiny morsels, however small.
Although I haven’t been in a physically abusive situation I’ve been in Countless mentally or emotionally abusive situations. Time to say NO MORE. I will NOT Tolerate ABUSE any longer. From ANY Source.
I’ve been bullied and abused for at least 23 years and I believed the external references so I started to bully myself and say the MOST Vile things to myself that I would NEVER say to another soul.
I’ve been on a journey over the past few years to come HOME to myself, to fall deeply in Love with Myself, all the exiled parts, all the imperfect parts, all the flaws, all the shadow stuff, all the wild, all the vulnerable and tender, fierce and fabulous. Integrating Everything, including this harsh, unkind aspect that was bullying myself. I No longer choose to bully Myself and any time old patterns of language crop up, I do my best to catch them and watch it and make a different choice.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Now I cry but they are tears of such soft sweetness as my Own heart Embraces me the way I’ve Always wanted with such Burning Love.
Sure I’ve Always wanted this external manifestation of Love from a masculine partner but that has not been my experience to this point. I had to be overlooked, ignored, suppressed, denied, ridiculed, mocked, put down, not chosen, constantly rejected, not desired, not wanted, walked away from……… so Each part would crack my heart open WIDER. All of it, ALL of it, was a gift. I manifested the LOT.
Now I choose to consciously manifest a different way, a different life.
I have been released from the last relationship and after a few months of diving exceptionally deep with symptoms of grief and depression that took me to a place where I sat with the word “suicide”, I now breathe a sigh of relief.
For the past 10 years I was pretty much in a sexless relationship. This taught me that while sex is Really important to me, that it’s not the Only factor in a relationship. I compromised, a LOT, on So many things. I chose ‘safety’ and companionship. But still, there were 10 years of tears and rejection and I took it All on me, thinking I was not enough, not this enough, not that enough, thinking I was all sorts of very horrible things and that I didn’t deserve happiness and I’d never share sweet intimacy with someone as that was for everyone else and I wasn’t allowed that pleasure in my life. It broke my heart Completely. I feel relieved that he finished with me (Cowardly, over the phone!) and I don’t have to face the depth of daily rejection any more.
He said I was “too spiritual”, my ex husband said I loved “too much”… I’m not too ANYTHING. I Don’t need to Change for ANYONE. I am Enough, MORE than enough. I am an Incredible soul with a Depth of Love that would fry Many a being with the intensity of Pure Fire.
I Don’t NEED Anyone now, Whatsoever! That doesn’t mean I don’t Want Someone, that’s Very different. I am Clear on what I want and what I won’t tolerate, what my boundaries are, what my no is.
But First, and ALWAYS. I choose me. I fall in love with ME – Deeply and Passionately, Every part, Every aspect. Nothing excluded, nothing needing fixed or changed as I am not broken, never was. I previously picked men who would enable lifetimes worth of growth through tears and pain and NOW I Choose ME.