The feeling of Love absolutely Got me! The slower I got, the More it caught up with me and devoured me. Every part of me that had been experiencing Massive pain was so very tenderly Kissed by the Beloved. Every part was welcomed and allowed and accepted and not forced to be Anything other than exactly what it was! No rush, no timescales, letting everything flow in it’s own way. No push, no try, no mind just getting more and more empty to a place where so many of the beliefs and grooves that I’ve carried forever fell like a house of cards and I just Laughed more and more and more and that was the healing vibration that reached Every part!
There is Such beauty in the nothingness that is left, such spaciousness and luminescence. Actually, there is No description that can begin to describe it.
And then slowly, slowly, slowly, the return to the “world", the return to engaging with other people and situations and not Just lying on the earth under a tree somewhere letting the soft earth hold me.
There was some subtle questioning as to whether or not I could integrate the spaciousness and profound Love into my ‘normal’ life?! I noticed a subtle desire to hold on to the experience of Love and Freedom and not just allowing whatever magic to unfurl next if it wanted to. The Love I experienced was So breathtaking All I could do was keep surrendering it, there is No way I could hold that intensity, it would burn me alive with its Wildness. It was/ is just a flowing energy and can not be dammed and kept and held, it belongs to noone.
I actually had No fear if this beautiful experience changed in any way if Any thoughts, feelings, emotions whatsoever traveled through me. I am not identified with these things as they are not who I am. There is such freedom in keeping your hands wide open, I saw that the minute I ever close my hand, there is tightness, constriction. No I don’t feel Tight, I feel opening More into such softness.
......And so I Finally went back to work in a corporate business environment.
I walked up to the building and ALL I experienced was Love. My heart was steady and my body was relaxed. I scanned for the familiar tightness in my belly and it wasn’t there, the lump in my throat wasn’t there the pain in my back wasn’t there. When you start a new job there’s a massive learning adventure and at a subtle level, this longing for approval and love from others, but I didn’t feel that - I didn’t yearn for approval or acceptance, I didn’t have Any expectations on anyone. I was just going there open and innocent and new.
What I did notice was my reaction as through the week I saw 5 people who at 1 time or another had previously caused distress to varying degrees. My reaction to each soul was to really be aware of their Divinity and to thank each person for the amazing teachings and growth they have offered me. I laughed that these souls haven’t a Clue how to react to this me where they have no power over to control or manipulate.
A Big lesson I saw was that although there have been Many external bullies over the past 20 years or so, they have only Really been showing me how I used to be the absolute worst ‘bully” to Myself. The self violence of my inner voice and critic was So incredibly savage for so very long and I would NEVER talk to anyone the way I talked to myself with the venom and persistence and coming in from all angels attacking myself. I am Very creative and my mind would whip up all these stories and beliefs that got more and more ridiculous and they were so familiar and persistent that I believed them all to be true when infact None of them were.
The external world had mirrored the inner and I had been so Confused why I had attracted So very many bullies into my life when they were really trying to awaken me to show me how I was speaking to myself.
I am replacing All those beliefs and thoughts and behaviours and language with resting deeper and deeper in silence and here there is No desire to introduce Anything that would harm me or anyone in any way. As this inner landscape is cleared out and reset, there is nothing for the external to mirror in the way of abuse and I am in awe.
So Be Kind to yourself, give yourself a break, don’t beat yourself up all the time. If you mess up (and we All do) just laugh and move on. Be compassionate to yourself and then let it move outwards.