He wasn’t unusual and that language wasn’t unusual. I had met Many like him in different guises and at different times. This guy was one that I had felt Strongly to fight Against, I felt the deep sense of Injustice and I was ready to take it further. I felt the piece that it is not Only me that was bullied but Others as well and that’s the bit that pushed my buttons. However, I didn’t speak up, I didn’t lodge a complaint, I kept Quiet, I internalised everything. I developed depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia, I also had periods of feeling suicidal. Because of the illness, caused by workplace bullying, I lost my job. HR and my Union (PCS) and the lawyers were profoundly atrocious throughout.
This happened a few years ago. I am Happily out of that situation, I am Happily out of that workplace and organisation. I survived 24 years in the Scottish Government. (I really wondered about including the name of the organisation in this piece, but it feels Incredibly important to say Exactly who it was.)
I have been working HARD ever since – Doing So much work to unwind trauma and letting layer upon layer go with gratitude and respect to all that has been. I am looking Forward now to the Future with a clean blank sheet. So, Why did I see him now, after all this time?
It was interesting that when I saw him, I felt NOTHING, I felt So neutral. It felt like a different lifetime and a different person. I can write this piece Now as I feel absolutely No emotional charge, I can share my story without Being it, if that makes sense. It has NO power over me anymore.
Seeing him showed me that that whole piece is FINISHED. It was to show me that I’ve Survived bullying and I’m still here. To show me that that is All Behind me. To show me my strength and power and and resilience and tenacity to keep going. To let me feel the depth of Gratitude that I no longer work in and organisation with a culture of poor behaviour and I am no longer around any of that energy.
I feel Complete forgiveness for that soul, for all that I met who were like him, all archetypes with that kind of behaviour, I forgive the Scottish Government and All the policy makers and decision makers who created failed policies and systems for their staff, I forgive all the managers and colleagues who failed me, I forgive all the HR staff who failed me, all the Welfare staff who failed me, all the Occupational staff who failed me, all the Union staff who failed me, I forgive the Solicitors who failed me, I forgive the Permenant Secretary who failed me, I forgive the First Minister who failed me. I forgive all places within myself where I have ever been a bully to myself or others at a conscious or unconscious level. I release myself from any guilt for not standing up to various bullies and taking stronger action against them, but I didn’t have anyone on my side and it was too hard to fight against the machine on my own. Their procedures failed and I wasn’t reunited with my personal effects so I also forgive that. They haven’t yet responded to my complaints about the compensation that they are due to me but I have a sense that will get resolved. And, If there’s Anything else in there, anything I have subconsciously forgotten or hidden away, that I need to let go of, I do it so now.
It’s been one Hell of a journey to put it Mildly, to navigate through the experience and to No longer identify with Any of it – not the person who was bullied or the person who was suicidal etc. I have No identity or connection with Fibromyalgia right now and although I’ve had all sorts of symptoms, such as chronic pain, I am not that. It feels like something that was a symptom of what happened but I’ve Had the Dark Night of the Soul, I’ve been in Hell, I’ve surfed Extreme pain and more. It feels DONE.
I found my own path with nature, meditation, art, photography, writing, sound work, ceremony, and gentle movement and dance as some of the tools to unpack what’s been and find peace and balance and grounding. Right NOW I feel So joyful, SO very free, so light, very strong, Very well, Radiant, and LOVING. I feel Exceptionally Excited about the New, about what’s coming, about the Next installment. I am Very open to More JOY and sweet times.
For ANYONE being bullied out there, I see you. I offer a hand of support in what can often feel like a lonely and isolating experience. Do whatever it takes to Survive it and Thrive. I wish you SO well.
For ANY Bullies out there, I Also see you. I see your wounds and pains and the way you act out your own trauma inappropriately. I Forgive you.
I am grateful that I saw this person and for the Highest good of all, I am Completely Done with Anyone abusing or bullying me EVER again, in Any time, space, dimension, ALL of it is released, and so it is. Aho, Amen, Awen.