I used to get caught in the dross So very often and Haven’t gone there for So very long so it Shocked me to revisit this vibration. What triggered it…. I was innocently playing on the Wii and having a LOT of FUN with hula hooping and ski jumping and trying to beat my boyfriends score and giggling at the competition and then I thought I’d do the body test and weigh myself and check my BMI. The numbers on the screen INSTANTLY pressed my buttons. They were impersonal black numbers and actually may not have been accurate at all and yet seeing them really became a Story, a Drama, a personal special thought to grab onto and Bite down so very hard on. And Off I went adding the familiar “ands" - and this... and that……. Because the first bit of self violence obviously wasn’t vicious and barbed Enough!!!! Goodness me!!!! I took refuge in my bath and I have my Quan Yin statue and some candles and the quiet and this space just allowed me to feel the Whole dance. Then the tears as an expression of so very much. I was witnessing the Lot and Knowing Everything is OK, Every single thing, this is Just the energy passing through and out. Let it run.
I am participating in a photo shoot this weekend with a bunch of women and it’s all about body confidence and all that kinda thing. I don’t know Any of the people taking part and it Is a BIG thing to do, Not for the faint hearted at all! I was Sooooo up for it and really excited and utterly terrified when I was selected out of about 300 people that applied. Today I was interviewed about it and I was again So very excited and positive and explaining how Important I think it is to get Real images out there of Real women and how Everyone is Incredibly Beautiful and magnificent and utterly Deliciously perfect. So how did I forget that just a few hours later? Why did I not remember my own glorious vibrancy and luminosity then? Those old voices of pain and suffering seemed like ghosts and so many distant memories of Thinking I was something Less than, Always Less than, Such Comparison with Everyone and Always felt at the Bottom of the heap! I Also felt the fear of all the other women in the group, yup, it’s great to open up and feel stuff but theres the other side where you feel the Lot sometimes!
I was curious that I have been Rocking my sovereignty, Rocking my empowered beingness and Living this glorious life so it kinda felt like slamming into a brick wall at 100 miles an hour tonight. Deeply Painful! STILL I went In to feel the Lot and through the sensations and Most crucially OUT the other side! I can notice all the scrambling bubbling confusion of lies that my inner critic was throwing fast and furious and Really I KNOW it’s not true, All the voices are Not true. The ONLY truth is the Silence. Nothing else. Everything else is fabrication to Try and trip me.
I must pay deeeeep homage to my Incredible man who kissed my belly when it felt so alienated and unloved and unappreciated and ignored. For him to accept and love me so Completely and to witness me when I am full of irrational processes, tears and confusion and Still mirror my divine essence and remind me of my beauty, is an Honour.
YES I Am So Very Up for this ride this weekend, So Very important to lead the way and show Everyone to DROP the stories and rest back in the Magnificence of luminous being. <3