A month before we met I had lost my first major love and I was in No rush to find another. Over the summer we became friends and then you waited at the gate one day to ask me out on a date. There were 10 years together and although my memory has been tainted with all the hurt, suffering and pain, not all of that time was in that place. There were adventures and play and craziness and a lot of laughter and love.
One summer on the banks of the River Tay you asked me a question. There was no ring, you were tight with your money and never gave me a ring, or anything much at all really. I said that it didn’t matter, when in fact I deeply wanted at least Something twinkly on my hand. We married in 1998 and I did my best to create a day within a budget and handmade a bunch of things. This was the day many little girls dream of for so very long and what will it be like to see this man standing there waiting... You had been up till 3 or 4 a.m. with your mates getting drunk and were really not in a good state. I wanted you to turn and see me and you didn’t. Yes I was on cloud nine but looking back it felt like you were just going through the motions and your heart really wasn’t there. The first picture after the vows and you just look hungover, not like a man in love. The first dance was a complete car wreak as I tried to hold you upright for a few minutes while people stared.
All I wanted was for you to Love me even a tiny percentage the way I loved you. What confuse me so much was that your parents as your role model sat in different rooms of the house and didn’t connect. You saw their life and were convinced that we would end up in a similar boring space. Ha ha ha – The LAST word on earth to describe me is Boring! Weird, Wonderful, Bonkers, Creative, yes but Never Ever boring!
I yearned passionately for a family but the tiny souls just didn’t stay. I Still mourn for them but I accept their journey and love them anyway.
I would have done Anything for your approval and attention. I Lost myself in you completely. I gave up my friends and my interests. I liked the things you did without really checking out whether or not I really did, I went along with it all. The Truth is I can’t stand some of the music you liked, some of the gigs we went to, some of the food you liked. I particularly, Passionately Detest Football and that was on 24/7. You were very much a bloke – beer and footie and I’m Not that kinda girl that likes all that at all.
I was developing my journey into spirituality and was interested in meditation, Tai Chi, Yoga….. You suppressed my interests by jeering and belittling me and I gave up such hobbies to please you. I withered without the growth my soul yearned for. I wanted to be a Tai Chi teacher and you put a stop to that. I wanted to be healthy and loose weight and I wanted to go walking and dancing with you and you refused me and you went running with a “friend”. I know now that No one can ever make you feel Anything but back then it felt like you Frequently made me feel fat and ugly and less than and not good enough in many many many ways. I felt Very suppressed and repressed and was suffocated and silenced. This piece has taken So very long to heal!
I remember walking up to University with you to check out my results of my Honours Degree, I was So scared and nervous. I saw on the board I got a 2.1 and was Beside myself with Joy, I skipped and leapt along the street and you kept telling me to calm down and behave! NO I had just spent 4 Hard years achieving this day release from my workplace where I had been incredibly badly bullied and I had No support for my dissertation and Still I achieved this and I was Full of sheer delight and complete awe but you tried to put a lid on it and control me when I wanted to Scream and Run and Leap and Woop!
I remember the hospital tests for a cancer scare, I was petrified as I had convinced myself I was Very sick. You didn’t understand what I was going through and weren’t there for me when I needed you. When my beloved Grandpa passed away you didn’t really get it either.
You enjoyed your student days and wanted to stay there forever, so when your friends were splitting up with their partners you ramped up the drinking and 'student' type lifestyle forgetting these days were past.
At the end you were completely weak and spineless and didn’t have the courage to walk away with dignity and respect for me so you ramped up your Exceptional bad behaviour to the Max to push and test me over and over and over and over until the day a line was crossed and I physically picked you up off your chair, opened the front door and threw you out forever.
I dived into a black endless pit for a Long time. Little by little I crawled my way through my version of Hell, I scratched and clawed. I drowned the fires that raged with my endless tears. I gave up time and time again and then slowly regained a little more strength to drag myself along and crawl a little further. Eventually I carved an escape tunnel and after what seemed like lifetimes, I made it back to the surface to the fresh air and daylight.
So much has been destroyed or given away but as I searched for something recently I found my wedding ring. This symbol has been lurking in a drawer, hiding. When it was bought, I was completely convinced I would wear it forever, it turns out I was wrong. I do not need it anymore and today it goes. I toyed with throwing it into the ocean or burying it deep in the earth. Given the opportunity, I would choose to throw “my precious” into a burning volcano but I can’t quite do that so easily so I think it’s time for it to be transformed in the fire and melted back down into atoms of gold.
May St Germain's Violet Flame of Transmutation take and burn this unending circle of love. May it burn off all the stories, dramas, ego, pain, suffering and any mind ‘stuff’. May it burn and burn and burn and burn until Nothing is left but the pure Gold vibration of Divine Christ Consciousness, the Love in which all beings are held.
I have no regrets as Everything has led me to this place and now I have the arms of a Real man who looks at me like I am the priceless treasure I truly am with love in his eyes.