I have never Really sat and LOOKED at my scar as it is tucked away and hidden behind my left ear, it is off show and I couldn’t connect with Her image and therefore Her. Today I wanted to see Her and now I want to Share Her.
When She was new I tried to look at Her with 2 mirrors but She was so bruised and sore that I didn’t want to look at Her and it has taken 26 years to face the Truth of Her image. Sometimes I trace Her line with my fingers and I can feel Her ridge. Sometimes even all these years later the pressure of glasses or sunglasses on Her is too much, too uncomfortable, She has Always been a tender place.
I have PASSIONATELY HATED this Entire piece. I resented and raged and battled against All the pain. I have had Many infections and challenges and then 6 operations on this ear and starting from aged 8 - cleaning up the infections, I have had grommets fitted that didn’t work, I’ve had polyps removed, and the big one with the scar was a Mastoidectomy, removing a tiny little bone.
I remember how Doctors and Nurses talked to my parents rather than being present with this soul in front of them. THIS was the little body that need clear information and I was So shy I couldn’t ask for clarity and would never ask the questions I needed I was so locked inside in terror.
I Hated the way I was treated by people. I didn’t feel kindness, care or compassion from the health care professionals, I felt like a number, a piece of meat. I remember sitting in the waiting room with the other little boys and girls all in our gowns and wrapped up in blankets waiting to go in 1 by 1. The first few operations were sorting out infections so they didn’t take long (maybe 15 to 30 minutes) but my first experience was being Wildly aware of how I felt like I was on a convertor belt like a creature in a slaughter house and I Needed someone to wrap their arms around me and comfort me and I felt so very alone. I remember being So scared and 2 nurses coming and making my bed around me and chatting to each other like I didn’t exist.
I remember the anesthetist joking about and having a funny hat on to try and be ‘down with the kids?!" and he was the person I wanted to be Super calm and serious, his humour Really freaked me out. He tried 4 times to inject my little body to put me to sleep and for YEARS afterwards I had pain in the winter time in my left hand at the site of the injection point. I Really Hated him.
For 5 operations I had the same doctor, 4 operations were carried out on the NHS and the big one was done Privately through my dads work health insurance. The ONLY time the doctor was at all attentive and kind and spent any time checking in was when it was done privately, he was So very different with his level of care and this Pissed me off So very much. He had hashed and bashed the other operations which was why I needed more, he put me through More pain. Even the private one he mucked up and tweaked a nerve in my neck which caused some problems. I completely hated him so much and when I was old enough I asked that it be put in my notes that I don’t want his hands anywhere near my body and I didn’t want to sit in the same room as him (now ANY hand that touches my body is a healing hand, I will not let any abusers touch me any more). The last operation was to remove the Polyp and it was a different person and that was when I was 20 – I didn’t want it done but I was told it would grow and I would get a brain tumour and die – nice message to give someone huh!
I have Hated being deaf (I am 80% deaf in my left ear) and all this experience brings. People Don’t see deafness so they don’t understand it and they don’t make allowances. I dance round people to walk where I need to or sit where I can maybe hear better but it is Incredibly challenging and can be Wildly isolating and unpleasant. I have Hated my deafness for Many years before making Peace with it all. And with the scar, I was glad it was hidden out of sight and mind as I thought it was So incredibly Ugly and I carried a lot of shame in there.
I am Actually Wildly grateful for my deafness as I hear in maybe a different way to many people, I hear through All my senses, I hear through my skin and all my organs. I hear deep in the silence, I hear the gaps between words, what’s not said. I hear the soul of another being. I hear the Hum of this Earth, I hear HER song. I hear in the quiet places. I hear the TRUTH beyond all the words. I hear the radiance of this life. So Yes, I am grateful to the entire journey of pain which has brought me to such a soft tender place of listening with my being and a place of presence with depth.
I value sound and the texture of it, I love how the vibrations move through the air, I love music with my entirity and cant get enough of listening to other people singing or sharing their sacred sound, however it is expressed. I wouldn't sing in public until last year and Still I find That Very challenging but my expression is emerging and unfolding and I am going to Another workshop on all this in a few days to deepen my journey.
I find it surprising in some ways that this scar Still lights up sometimes and causes discomfort after so very long but She is part of me, She is Always ignored or forgotten so sometimes She reminds me of Her presence. She is exceptional at getting my attention and I try and ignore Her by eating painkillers to numb her message out. As well as my womb, heart and throat, I have held Deep pain and suffering in this place and I can see that I have done So very much work on these other areas but neglected my beautiful ears.
The first part of our healing journey is sitting with Her image, not trying to fix or change Her, just witnessing her, I can’t physically kiss Her but I want to.
There is So very much More that shows up but this is the first step, just be together with Her image. I Bow to her.