It’s like when I was in the Azores a moth or so ago and I went out on an inflatable boat. Every single wave smashed my spine and I was in Complete Terror that I was going to break my back and and be thrown out the boat in one of the Huge waves and die.... I was in Massive pain and crying and swearing a Lot!!! Then I surrendered into All of it – Even the fear of death itself, I loosened my tight grip on the handle, my body opened and relaxed into the pain that was Still going on, I went with the experience rather than against it. A couple of minutes later, the Blue Whales showed up plus the Fin Whales plus the turtles, then the dolphins came and I heard them sing as they jumped a few inches from me – my lifelong Dream and Such a Massive blessing!
So, Nope I don’t have a clue about anything pretty much - what control?! What illusion!
Lately it has felt like I have been diving into the fog, it’s not the ethereal fog of blanketing comfort and gentle rest like on the volcano on the Azores, it’s more like driving late at night for hundreds of miles on twisty mountain roads when you can barely keep your eyes open, it’s dark, rainy, foggy, there's hailstones bashing the window, you can’t see where the road is, you can’t see where the curves of the edges are and if you might tumble off. Your eyes are red and sore from straining way too much and on you keep going instead of stopping and resting.
My mind has bashed and battered me and I know that’s not who I am, I am not my exhaustion, I am not my rage, I am not my sense of injustice, I am not my sorrow, I am not my grief, I am not my frustration, I am not my irritation, I am not my wild banshee chaos and mayhem. All these things Just move through me and I am none of them or any of the other Many flavours that move through.
I have felt frustrated that I am not being socially acceptable and acting and behaving in ways that makes others feel soothed and comfortable. I have not been the sparkly, perky person that people are comfortable seeing. I have tried to please everyone for so long and it just never works and it's not my truth. I can’t fit in just to suit others and I don’t need to play that game. I don’t need to change for Anyone.
I have felt frustrated with the speed of this current adventure, I Thought I’d feel differently by now a couple of weeks in, I thought I’d feel “better” but nope. I wanted it to be quicker and look a different way.
The past few weeks as I have been on sick leave for “work related stress” I have sat with the word and label "depression". This is Such a dark black dog that we do not want to be with, acknowledge, or talk to. I have beat myself up for even entertaining that word when I know So very many techniques and tools and of course I should rise above Everything. Well, sometimes when life smashes and bashes you over and over and over and over and you have been ‘coping’ and dealing with everything, it just takes that last little tiny piece to send you plummeting into the abyss.
I have been So very self violent with the label and why on earth am I not fighting back and seeking justice and taking them to task and and being the strong woman I know I am – because I am Done, I am knackered. I need Such rest, I need space.
There’s been so many words and I just wanted some quiet time in the forests where I can feel the strength of that trunk and the roots going deep into the rich earth. I have struggled to find the energy to get out the front door and my body wants to move but I have been so tired and Still something has got me out the door and into nature every day to help and heal me.
I have at 1 level known I don’t need Anyone s approval and I am Incredibly independent and then the latest round of rejection stung me and I guess I really wanted all that approval and recognition to feel validated and real and what a lie that all is – it’s just an old habit. I don’t need ay permission from ANYTHING to be my own authority in my world. I took all the criticism personally and added it to my Violent self talk and strong inner critic and pushed it up a few gears. This other side of me watches and keeps reminding me to let it go.
I Just wanted to Make them see how They were wrong, how they didn’t understand….. Who cares, why do they need to understand anything, they might Never understand, why does it matter. I have been falling in love with MYSELF. That’s the relationship that matters the Most, who cares if now 1 single other soul understands me, just keep showing up more and more naked and authentic and say whatever is my Truth.
Over and over and over I keep coming back to the phrase - Do I want to be Right or do I want to be at Peace. Peace is my onepointed priority so Anything that moves me in That direction is where I put my focus and energy. Yes I Know what the Truth is but do I really need to go there and justify myself to anyone else and explain myself - not really, it doesn't matter. I know the truth and I can then choose for peace,
I have felt anger towards people and then beaten myself up for feeling that when I Think I am supposed to be all Love and Grooviness and see the beauty in everyone. I have wanted to destroy and I have been angry at my anger. I have been frustrated at sweet, well intentioned people who have tried to suggest ways of how I could change my experience rather than just witnessing where I am without judgement.
I have more and more and more not been living in a world of "right or wrong”, “good or bad” and that felt True and then all this story challenges that and some feelings are more challenging to sit with and accept as there is a perception that they are perhaps not as good as some others. I notice that and welcome in everything.
I have beaten myself up for comparing myself to others on their journey and the perception that they are somehow doing “better” than me. This is a false judgement. I am doing absolutely Perfectly – however I think it looks. All this invites me to be more loving, kind and compassionate with myself.
All this confusion happens in the past or the future. My mind Can’t help race off into the future and try and plan how it’s all going to look and be and that’s impossible. All there is is Right now. In that space there is perfection. There is no pain. I have had times when I stay in the moment, moment to moment for extended periods but right now the spaces between my experience of the now and the mind jumping in are small. And yet I can STILL experience acceptance and being OK with Exactly what is unfurling. No I Don’t need to have the answers, or Any answers. I can just Be in this Crazy stormy weather and nope it won’t last either.
When I stay present to what is right now and there in front of me there is such sweet grace. I can dance with this energy and flow with it, there is no resistance to Any of it. It can’t be grasped or held, it is like smoke, so transient. I keep arriving home to the present, no matter where the mind takes me off to , no matter what images, what suffering it gives. I keep remembering to be incredibly intimate and loving with the isness of right now. That’s all there is. And then the next baby step will follow, and then another and then another.
All I need to do is show up Right NOW and the rest will take care of itself in its own sweet way without Any interference from my creative mind. And in the meantime - Stop the car - Stop driving blindly onwards when the conditions are so crazy. Rest a while and the fog, wind, rain, hail and black night will pass.
What happens next – who knows!!!! What happens Today – who knows. Who cares!!!!!!!!!! Everything is a mystery and I don’t need to know how the infinite wants to show up and dance through me today….
(Image - Buried - Manuel Estheim - I Loved this because it's also like this precious little seed that is unfurling from the fecund earth, I have been planted deep......)